Leadership advice says stop apologizing. For women of color, it's more complex.
Cultural values like harmony and humility aren't deficits, they're strengths to leverage strategically. Mainstream advice for aspiring women leaders in the workplace is to avoid apologies as much as possible.
For example, we are encouraged to start an email with: “Thanks for your patience. ” Instead of: “Sorry for the delay in responding. ” advise women to eliminate “unnecessary” apologies, perhaps the ones you say to soften your point or as a mindless filler word.more frequently than men, but they also spot more transgressions than men do, which may serve a social regulation function . Despite its empirical basis, there are two problems with this advice.
First, it’s from an outdated playbook that centers on individualistic and competitivethan trust from their teams . The second is that this advice does not account for the additional complexity faced by women of color due to the intersection of both racial and gendered stereotypes .
For example, Motro and colleagues found that Black women were perceived more negatively when expressingOn top of these harmful stereotypes, cross-cultural research in sociology and psychology has shown that the meaning of an apology and even the way it is delivered varies across countries . Women of color in the workplace are juggling not only the dynamics ofWhen you notice your"thanks for your patience" emails didn't translate to recognition at performance review time, the explanation may lie in the data on differential treatment.
In these instances, it’s important to recognize that when our experiences aren’t validated in our environment, we question our own perceptions, which leads to persistent self-doubt. This is one way that our brains try to make sense of the world, but the world is not always sensible. The mainstream stop apologizing advice assumes you should adopt dominant values around leadership. But what if humility, interdependence, and collective success are actually your values?
It’s also possible that your values are a combination of individualistic and collectivistic values. For example, you might value both professional advancementHere are prompts to help you think through value conflicts:Are the values and priorities of my workplace in direct opposition to mine? Explicitly acknowledging these conflicts can help you make intentional choices in the service of your values. Pick one low-stakes situation to try a different approach.
Maybe it's one email where you say"thanks for your patience" and one where you say"sorry for the delay," then notice what happens. Whatever the results of your experiments, be neutral and curious. You may be able to focus on the data instead of getting stuck in judgments or emotions. Both failures and successes are valuable learning opportunities.
You may also get pushback or confusion from an experiment. These are opportunities to take a step back and ask yourself: Did I act in alignment with my values? If yes, the discomfort might be worth it. If not, adjust.
The meta message behind stop apologizing and its variants is that if women say the right things and stop saying the wrong things, they would be better received by colleagues, particularly those in positions of power . This approach overemphasizes superficial markers of leadership without addressing the underlying power dynamics that produce inequities in the first place.value so you're not unconsciously adopting someone else's values Strategically experiment to gather data about your specific environment, so you can make informed choices about what risks are worth taking This approach shifts from"change yourself to succeed” to"know yourself deeply enough to navigate the workplace strategically while staying connected to who you are.
" Race and reactions to women’s expressions of anger at work: Examining the effects of the “angry Black woman” stereotypeHonorary Whites? Asian American Women and the Dominance PenaltyThe Best Ways to Begin AgainSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist?
Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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