Sunk cost fallacy leads people to believe a relationship is worth staying in based on the time you've invested thus far. But that isn't always the case, therapists say.
Many people in long-term relationships have used the same phrase to quiet thoughts of leaving: But it’s already been so long! If I leave now, all of that time and effort will go to waste. As it turns out, there’s an economics term that perfectly describes why years together can start to feel like a reason in itself to stay: Sunk cost fallacy.
“The sunk cost fallacy refers to the tendency to keep investing in something because of what has already been invested—rather than because of its current or future potential,” psychotherapist Kim Hertz, LCSW-R, founder of NY Therapy Practice in New York City tells SELF. In the financial world, “costs” literally refer to the amount of money invested. But in the context of a relationship, your costs are all the time, effort, energy, emotional labor, and yes, even money you may have contributed that you can’t get back. In both settings, “the fallacy lies in the belief that these previous investments are reason enough to continue onward,” says Hertz—which leads people to keep sinking more and more into a lost cause. Although the term was born in boardrooms, relationship therapists say it’s having a second life in their sessions. “It gives people language for something they might be doing—like staying out of obligation—but struggle to articulate, which can be deeply clarifying and relieving,” says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. No, time together isn’t everything. “A relationship can have been meaningful, formative, and deeply real, and also short-lived,” says Pataky. Yet there are strong cultural messages that conflate relationship duration with relationship seriousness, stability, and even happiness, as well as individual fortitude. Dinner parties and family gatherings rarely pass without someone asking a couple when they met or how long they’ve been together. Sure, intel about relationship length can provide context for a couple’s shared history. Plus, it’s a low-stakes way for third parties to express interest in your life. But while longevity is often taken as proof that the relationship was and continues to be worth the investments made, relationship health can’t be predicated on time together, alone, says Pataky. True relationship health and happiness requires factors like emotional safety, strong communication skills, and mutual respect, she says—qualities that, while they may, don’t necessarily deepen over time. Leaving is often made harder by other cultural messages that mistake endurance with valor. “Many people have internalized the belief that staying, regardless of emotional cost, is a marker of their individual loyalty or strength,” says Pataky. As such, breaking up after many years can then feel like a personal failure. Taken together, these beliefs can make it very difficult to ask the more meaningful question about the relationship—such as whether the relationship is still nourishing who they are today—let alone exit it. The real costs of staying past the point of alignment Ending a long-term relationship can feel like “throwing away” years of time and effort. But being in a relationship that no longer feels aligned with who you are and what you want can come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. “Staying in a relationship primarily because of what you’ve already sunk into it requires ongoing self-betrayal,” says Pataky. Over time, suppressing your needs, emotions, and inner truth can erode self-trust and self-worth—both of which are foundational to mental health. That misalignment between internal experience and external reality can also show up as anxiety, depression, emotional numbing, or burnout, she says. Unsatisfactory relationships can become more draining over time, says Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, a licensed professional counselor, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and host of the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Stress and resentment often builds within relationships driven by sunk cost thinking, which increases within the relationship. Living in this state of heightened strain can lead people to feel irritable, trapped, and even hopeless, she says. What else keeps people in sunk cost relationships? Beyond sunk cost thinking, there are very real emotional, financial, and/or logistical factors that can make cutting off a relationship complicated. On the emotional front, even if you recognize your relationship has passed its expiration, “leaving can feel destabilizing,” says Hertz. It often involves confronting feelings of loss, ambiguity, and grief, which all needed to be attended to, she says. Further, there are very real structural constraints that can keep you coupled up, she Hertz. “For women and gender minorities in particular, relationships can be financially protective and even a means of survival,” she says. Because access to health insurance, retirement benefits, housing, and childcare is often tied to marital or partnership status, leaving can lead to the loss of critical resources, she says. Here’s how to figure out if the sunk cost fallacy is holding you back If you’re in a long-term partnership, it can be hard to suss out whether or not the sunk cost fallacy is shaping your decision to stay. To gain clarity, relationship experts recommend turning inward. Try asking yourself these questions: If nothing were to change, would I genuinely want this same relationship five years from now? People in sunk cost relationships spend a lot of time reminiscing about happier days long past. This question pushes you to get real about your present reality and whether or not it’s working for you. If it’s not, “it may or may not be worth sticking around and doing the work in the relationship to make things better,” says Shannon—but only you can decide that. Why am I in this relationship? Sunk-cost-driven relationships are often fueled by fear, guilt, and a sense of responsibility, per Pataky. “If your primary reasons for staying sound like ‘I should,’ ’I have to,’ or ‘it would be a waste,’ that is usually an important signal of sunk cost thinking,” she says. Who am I when I am with this person? “It can be revealing to examine how your relationship makes you feel now, and who you are becoming within it,” says Pataky. If someone makes you feel like the most grounded, generous, and expansive version of yourself, it’s likely the relationship is presently a net-positive in your life. But if you notice yourself being competitive, irritable, self-conscious, or withdrawn, you should take that seriously. How am I doing emotionally and mentally? Paying attention to your own emotional and mental state can offer some of the clearest information about whether a relationship is still serving you. If you notice yourself feeling like a low, withdrawn, or anxious iteration of yourself, get curious, says Pataky. Here, “it might not even be the relationship itself that causes the greatest emotional harm, but the prolonged silencing of your inner voice to maintain it,” she says. If these reflections leave you feeling content and connected, then your relationship likely still has a beating heart—and isn’t just a relic of a time long ago. But if these questions surface doubt, heaviness, and a sense that sunk cost thinking explains why you’ve been staying, that’s valuable information, too. At the end of the day, healthy relationships don’t rely on past investments to make sense of current commitment. The time you’ve already spent together may have been meaningful, but as Pataky points out, “it’s important to be honest about why you are staying and what it is actually costing you now.” Related: Am I Asexual or Just Tired? 14 Ways to Actually Get Over a Breakup, According to Therapists Are You in a ‘Scorekeeping Relationship’? Get more of SELF’s practical relationship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
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