This personal essay encourages singles to abandon the pursuit of self-improvement as a means to attract a partner and instead embrace their authentic selves. The author argues that listing desirable qualities diminishes individuals and perpetuates the harmful notion that there's a standard for lovability.
New York Timesthat launched it, sprang from my experience as a person who was single-not-by-choice during the bulk of my twenties and thirties. During that time, I was frustrated that I couldn’t find a partner, and I worked hard to figure out what was “wrong” with me, reviewing all the common tropes—from “you’re too picky” to “you’re too desperate.”
So it’s great when people write me to say my book helped them see themselves in a different light, that it has helped them deprogram from aSometimes, though, I hear from people who seem intent on explaining what a great catch they are. They have great jobs, lots of friends, and strong workout routines. They’re active in their communities, kind to their parents, and look pretty darn good for their age.
But now, reading these lists bums me out. I’m glad the writers are able to recognize their good qualities, but I wish they didn’t feel compelled to plead their case. We write these lists to elevate ourselves, but I think they diminish us. They read a little too much like a catalog copy for a kitchen appliance or a used car.to them, as they also inspire the inevitable shoe-drop question:Valentine’s Day is coming, and if the oncoming barrage of heart-shaped paraphernalia has you massaging your attributes like worry beads, I’d like to suggest an alternative.
Self-Help SINGLES RELATIONSHIPS SELF-ACCEPTANCE TOXIC CULTURE INSECURITIES
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