'Marriage is different today than it was when my parents were my age. Maybe earlier it really was about finding your 'better half,' but today, many like me are trying to learn to be whole on their own,' says one South Asian woman.
like their peers, they’re not scoping out get-togethers with friends for a hunky potential paramour, and for the moment, they’re saying no to any of these parent-instrumented matchups. “It's not because I didn't find prospects,” Renuka says, “but because I knew if I do this that I'm going to lose my focus.
”, an entrepreneur, speaker and strategist, her decision to put off marriage was much more intentional. She and her ex broke up a decade ago when Tewar was in her late 20s and living in New York City. She’d done everything she’d been taught to do to nurture the relationship — that she should be amenable and take care of her partner — but it still ran its course. “I was like: Wow, so you can sacrifice, you can be a supportive partner, you can do whatever. But it may not work out .” It was a mentality-changing realization that she should look after herself first and foremost. “It just sealed and cemented this idea that marriage is not a given [in general].” I can go to any hobbies that I want, I can do anything I want, and that gives me a lot of pleasure.Opening themselves up to priorities outside of relationships has allowed Sheth, Renuka, and Tewar to find success and fulfillment in other areas of their lives. Yes, marriage can be great, but Renuka also celebrates the fact that she’s a single woman whoand has made a life for herself completely on her own on the other side of the world. “To be able to do everything here from scratch without any family support, without any financial support, that drives all that courage in me that I can do anything in life… I can go to any hobbies that I want, I can do anything I want, and that gives me a lot of pleasure.”And, more than anything, Tewar adds, “it gives you time.” Taking the focus off of finding a partner can allow people to put that time and energy into friendships, their career, their family, and interests, and nurture them. “It was a huge blessing for me this past almost two years spending with myself because I had a lot of self healing andthat I was really working on working through,” adds Sheth. “I can't even imagine what it would have been like for another human being to be a part of that.” Tewar’s happy and blessed with a great family, friends, and time to work on her own personal path, contributing to society in a way that she finds fulfilling and with things that matter to her. “For me, it shows up in my entrepreneurial vision, it shows up with the students [I teach], it shows up on my podcast, it shows up when I'm on stage [speaking].” While these women are prioritizing other aspects of their lives, that doesn’t mean they’re completely against marriage , they’re just reframing how they view it — and themselves within it. They don’t subscribe to the problematic idea that your spouse must be your best friend, your best lover, and your “other half.” Instead, they view themselves as equals and worthy of a partner who enriches their lives, and not whose existence their lives are defined by. “There's obviously a lot that goes into thinking about [marriage]. There's the romantic notion, the[and] sharing that with a life partner, having that financial stability; it's all part of this ‘success,’” Bhat says. “But finding one partner that defines you and gives you a status symbol as an elite member of society, I don't know [young women] consciously look at it that way.”Marriage is different today than it was when my parents were my age,” Sheth says. “Maybe earlier it really was about finding your ‘better half,’ but today, many like me are trying to learn to be whole on their own. So now if we find a partner who appreciates that, is whole themselves, and is willing to move forward together even when certain goals might be different, then deeper conversations about relationships and — if you're so inclined — marriage, begin.” Renuka has similar thoughts. “If I aspire to get married someday, I'm not going to look for a boy who is going to be three times more earning than myself, because I am at that state now where I need somebody who's a companion, not somebody who's a financial supplier to my needs,” she says.While we may be figuring this out for ourselves, it’s harder to convince older generations. Bhat advises time and communication when it comes to navigating this new dynamic with, who may need time to understand a different perspective. We also need to recognize that there may always be that push and pull and a need to compromise. Growing up as an American who’s culturally Indian, Sheth says she’s constantly going back and forth between aspects of her life where she subscribes more to Indian values , and American . Listen, if I can't make myself happy, then I can't make anyone happy
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