WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.
On Sunday, while attempting to retrieve a soccer ball he had kicked over a backyard fence, Fletcher reportedly tumbled into the ancient, long-forgotten gateway to hell, dropping nearly 25 feet into the blazing inferno below. Local authorities stressed the need to rescue the child as quickly as possible, noting that he has been exposed to toxic levels of sulfur and that the longer he spends outside God’s sacred light, the greater his risks of permanent damnation.
“Paramedics lowered down a bucket of food and holy water for Joey yesterday, but it unfortunately caused a torrent of blood, entrails, and excrement to erupt from the hole for several hours,” Andrade continued. “That slowed our progress quite a bit.”Earlier this week, after drilling a shaft parallel to the one that swallowed Fletcher, rescue workers said they hoped to find a more stable entrance to hell through which they might extract the boy.
Local pastors, who reportedly raced to the scene upon learning Fletcher had fallen through the gateway, have been observed locking arms, chanting the Lord’s Prayer, and making a pentagram of salt around the smoking crater in an effort to contain the droves of disembodied arms that have begun crawling, like spiders, from the opening.
Andrade added, “We also lost rescue worker Fran Cusimano, who, despite her devout Catholicism, is now trapped in purgatory because her face was clawed off by a Harpy before her priest could administer last rites.”Community members at last night’s vigil for Fletcher continued to pray for his safe return, despite the fact that the Prince of Darkness taunted them with shrieking laughter each time they invoked Christ’s name.
“Joey, if you can hear me, I want you to know that we love you and we want you to reject Satan in all his forms and get out of that hole,” said Annie Hoffman, a neighbor of the Fletcher family who voiced concern upon hearing rumors the boy may not have been baptized. “Why wasn’t that gateway to hell covered? That’s what I’d like to know. I don’t understand why the city never came around and at least nailed a piece of plywood over it. It’s just not safe.
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