The “I love you” declarations began when people started dying around me.
I haven’t been like this in the past. Oh no, not at all. If anything, I have been a nose-raising, brow-lifting, eye-rolling, wise-arse cynic of all public displays of affection. I think this is because, in my family, such things just weren’t done. Early relationships were awkward, if not uncomfortable. I didn’t feel able to enjoy the innocent intimacy of expressing affection.
But it doesn’t mean that to me now. Because today, through trial, error and having lived a continuously bumpy life, I am aware how fickle this existence is, how quickly life can take a sinister turn. Despite having a fractious relationship with my mother, at her deathbed I told her I loved her, and I know how much she appreciated hearing it. I felt better for letting go of the anger; she felt peace with the compassion. The pain given and received in the past – often with gusto – was superseded with good will and forgiveness. The word “love” regained its power for me at that moment.
A few months ago, I had another dear friend pass, a man I loved like a brother. And while his loss devastated me, I felt great solace in knowing that he always knew how much I cared for him, his last words from me being “Love you” just days prior. We left nothing unsaid in our feelings for each other, ever. No gripes or grievances. Our relationship was, and shall remain, pure reciprocal joy.
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