Psychological manipulation in relationships takes many subtle forms. Learn to spot the five key tactics—and what you can do to protect yourself and reclaim your sense of self.
Gaslighting makes you doubt your sense of reality, and guilt-tripping turns vulnerabilities into leverage.Triangulation isolates you by recruiting others to undermine your credibility.—as if your partner seems to be trying to bring out specific reactions, or certain feelings, in you—you might be experiencing an insidious form of psychological manipulation.
Perhaps you’re apologizing a lot more than usual, even though you’re not sure what you did wrong. Or maybe they keep telling you something about your behavior needs to change, although you’ve never heard that suggestion from anyone else. It’s easy to feel confused when a person you care about seems to be quietly controlling you: intentionally creating—which characterize the people who most often manipulate others . The five tactics these manipulators use most often can easily fly under the radar until you’ve lost your emotional bearings.No, you’re remembering it wrong. It was only a joke; you’re too sensitive. That’s not what happened. You’re way off base. When you hear phrases like these frequently enough, you can start to doubt yourself. Your partner cares about you, right? They wouldn’t steer you wrong. Butand sense of objective truth. Gaslighting is one of the main manipulative strategies used by Machiavellian personalities—that is, those oriented toward power and control, and often money, rather than toward the well-being of others . Cold, calculating Machiavellians, no matter how charming or attractive they seem, will prioritizeand control when they get close to someone. Getting in too deep with a person like this can make you feel like your familiar sense of self has dropped out from beneath you.In the early days of a relationship, when your new partner takes especially good care of you—with thoughtful gifts, meaningful talks, a lot of time together, and maybe some hints about a real future—you can be forgiven for failing to wonder if it’s “too good to be true.” Intimacy that develops quickly can feel too good to question. But when it’s followed by a sudden disappearance or a change in tone, you’ll probably feel a flicker of doubt. And just as you’re about to take action to protect yourself… there’s your partner again, offering another loving, late-night talk and some vague plans for a weekend away. This is calledand it works like a slot machine, which pays out its winnings at unpredictable intervals, making it hard for you to walk away. Studies of people with manipulative personalities point out that they strategically use charm and appreciation to secure commitment or advantage, then withdraw once they win you over again .This one is crucial. When a manipulator learns how to press your “guilt” button, they’ll always be able to turn a conflict to their advantage. Even if they’re the one to cause a problem between you, somehow it will point to one of your flaws. Perhaps you’ve talked about something private, like the pain of a disruption in your family; people like this might make a good show of empathy at first, then mention it again at the worst possible moment as a hit below the belt.. This could lead you to make significant concessions, to ignore your limits, or to give in to your partner even when you don’t want to. It’s another tactic that’s found in personality research on the Machiavellian style , where it’s described as creating “emotional leverage.”Decades ago, psychology researchers spotted this strategy: the use of withdrawal or criticism to control behavior . It happens when your partner is perfectly clear about their expectations at first, but changes them as time goes by. Maybe they want you to dress a certain way, or sample a particular substance you’re unsure about, or reveal some intimate information. They may plead and plead, promising affection and seeming sincere enough—until ultimately, you give in. But the happy relief you’ll feel will be short-lived, as there’s no making this person happy: As soon as you give them what they want, it’ll turn out to be less than enough. What they were desperate for last week now seems like the bare minimum, as though any implicit agreement has been altered after the fact. When this defines your relationship, you’ll get thatfeeling, and the chronic sense of trying to live up to a vaguely defined standard you can never reach—which may render you easier to control.Jones and Paulhus also pointed out that the underhanded use of a third person can be used to gain relational power and influence, or to exert pressure in the case of a disagreement.Are these statements true, or just part of a tactic? It’s even worse when they go directly behind your back in an effort to build support or to paint you in a negative light. The intention is to isolate you from people who might take your side, while at the same time gaining undeserved sympathy . Manipulators do this because they care more about looking good and maintaining a sense of control than making a genuine effort to resolve a problem. If reading through this list gives you a sinking feeling because you recognize these patterns from your own life, take heart: There are things you can do. First, get a reality check. Write down what was said to you, then talk it through in private with a trusted friend orwho’s familiar with the situation but not directly involved. Identify the tactic being used against you: Is it a guilt trip? A triangulation? Recognizing that these phenomena are classic, well-worn manipulation strategies, identified years ago in social science research, can help ground you. At that point, try to set small, as in “I don’t think I want to do that right now,” or “I’m not comfortable with that. Let’s talk about it later,” to take back some agency and also to see how your partner responds. If things don’t go well from there, you’ll have more evidence that something is wrong. Lastly, if you feel that the pattern of manipulation has become serious, to the point of emotional or even physical abuse, don’t wait: Look for real help as soon as possible. Noticing and labeling the manipulation means you’ve recognized that the situation no longer works for you, and that you deserve better treatment.Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. . Machiavellianism. In M. R. Leary & R. H. Hoyle ,Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. . Introducing the Short Dark Triad : A brief measure of dark personality traits.There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again., is a psychologist in private practice in New York City, specializing in helping people find success, fulfillment, and peace in their relationships and their work.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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