Quid pro quo kindness can be damaging to a relationship. Here's how to avoid it.
Conversely, when there is an expectation of returning the favor, kindness can become a burden.We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s the little things.” Waking up to a fresh cup of coffee, a surprise bouquet of flowers, being treated to your favorite home-cooked meal without asking—it’s these small acts of kindness that can make us feel most loved and appreciated within a relationship. Sometimes, it can feel even more rewarding to be the actor of kindness in these scenarios.
Importantly, when both partners felt genuinely grateful for each other’s kindness, they felt more connected and satisfied with one another the next day. This was true for both the giver and the receiver of the act of kindness. However, feeling indebted didn’t have the same positive effect on the relationship. While the “I’ll get you next time” or “You owe me one” sentiments might keep a relationship going, the study found that they don’t make a relationship any better.
The study found that when kindness is driven by a genuine desire to improve a relationship, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy—that is, it improves the relationship in the way the partner had hoped. Conversely, when kindness is used as a transactional tool to maintain fairness or gain leverage, it can damage the trust andwithin the relationship.
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