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“If someone burns you alive, are they still your friend?”
“Your mother and I noticed that you’ve been fooling around with a new symbol lately. Etching it in the dirt, over and over. Honey, it’s O.K. to be sad sometimes. But we need you to be honest with us—are you using numerical zero?”“Son, always give it your best shot.
If it’s not your best shot, then we will have no bison meat, and everyone in this family will starve to death, and it will be your fault.”“Sweetie, if you feel uncomfortable, it’s always fine to say no. Not to your King, of course, who loves beheadings. And not to your future husband, who will own you as his property. You also shouldn’t say no to any priests or popes or scowling nuns, or to anyone with a sword. But, if you don’t like something, you can always whisper ‘No, thank you’ later on, in the quiet darkness of our donkey barn.”“Trust me, you’ll know you’ve met the right one for you when they’re within ten years of your age and they don’t stink or have plague scars.”“Learn from my mistakes, son. There are three things in life you should always avoid: snakes, women who talk to snakes, and the Spaniards.”“I’ll tell you how to deal with bullies—don’t let the bastards get you down! Remember, you’re better than they are, and they can’t even inherit a duchy.”“Some people act nice but are not nice people. What if they thought you were a heretic, a witch, or a Jew? If someone burns you alive, are they still your friend?”“Don’t rush to grow up so fast! Once you’re an adult, you’ll have plenty of time to wear a white wig made of goat hair and scented with oranges that makes you look eighty years old.”“Never be reckless with other people’s hearts. And never put up with someone who wants to recklessly deep-plow your virgin topsoil. One is an agricultural nightmare; the other is just mean.”“Travel. See the world. Go to space. Say hi to the Pigasus Pig. Remember the good trips, forget the bad trips. If you find good dope, share it with your mother and me.”“You’re about to face the biggest challenge in human history: Y2K. Don’t be afraid. If you can get through this, you can get through anything.”
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