'I was only brave if my body was meant to be a source of shame, something to be shut away, covered up, rarely seen and never discussed,' writes yrfatfriend in a new column.
I didn’t take it in the first time she said it, this new colleague. I was distracted, anxiously preparing for the important work meeting that was about to begin. My breath was shallow and quick, heart fluttering like a hummingbird in my rib cage. For the first time, I’d be representing my nonprofit organization in a national meeting. I smiled apologetically and told her I hadn’t caught what she’d said.
I smiled and thanked her for the compliment, but I couldn’t figure out what she meant. Like most young professional women, I’d learned to dress crisply without attracting attention to myself. As a woman, in order to maintain my credibility among people who didn’t share my feminist politics, my clothing couldn’t appear too suggestive or sexualized, and as a queer woman, I was wary of others perceiving my clothing as too masculine.
Out of everything she said, “you’re so brave” had thrown me the most. Every definition I knew of “bravery” relied on first feeling fear. After all, what’s brave about doing what doesn’t intimidate us? I hadn’t felt fearful when I dressed that morning, nor had I worried or wondered how my clothing would be perceived by my colleagues.
These compliments often come from a sincerely good place: a sense of wonderment and disbelief, genuine appreciation for people who buck societal expectations of what we’re meant to look like. Sometimes they come from people who struggle with their own confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes they come with a touch of yearning. Whatever their tone, they’re often intended as heartfelt compliments. The woman’s compliments, as with most aimed at fat people’s perceived bravery, weren’t sinister.
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