hey brah, can you pass me some 𝙆𝙍𝘼𝙉𝘾𝙃
Like Brangelina and Kimye, portmanteaus of famous pairings keep entering the lexicon, and Kraft Heinz wants to add some more. The company started with Mayochup, the combination of mayonnaise and ketchup that the company released last fall. And it must have been a success, because they’ve just come out with three more Franken-condiments: Mayomust , Mayocue and the best-named one yet: Kranch .
Kranch. KRANCH. This is a word you cannot help but say out loud. Ranch dressing is having a revival, but it almost doesn’t matter what this tastes like. The most important thing — Heinz’s greatest gift to America this summer — is the opportunity to say, “Hey, brah, can you pass me some KRANCH?” It is absurd. Kranch. Why. Kraaaaaaanch.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s move on to the question at hand: Are we really this lazy? There’s an argument to be made that combinations of condiments, while good on their own, can come together to create something even better — see: the European Union. Thousand Island dressing, for example, is made of mayonnaise, ketchup and relish, along with other spices. Though these new sauces have a simpler, 50/50 recipe, you could make the case for a value add with two of them. Mayocue functions as either a very creamy barbecue sauce or a mayonnaise dip with a smoky tang.
It seems as if the condiments are novelties that Kraft Heinz is counting on people to impulse-purchase. And if that’s the case, why stop here? There are so many other combinations they could make. Mustard + relish=Mustish . Ketchup + mustard=Kustard. Worcestershirennaise. Tartard Sauce. These are all good names.
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