Perspective: A father feels rejected after his daughter decides to drop his last name and use only her mother’s.
For context, she has a strong feminist streak, and although I have not encouraged her to do this, I don’t have a problem with it either. I feel as if it’s her choice.
Her dad, however, feels as though it is a rejection of him and his family. Her view is that she likes the sound of my last name better, and it’s a way of sticking it to the patriarchy. And although I am secretly proud and honored by her gumption, I also am trying to keep the peace between her and her dad.I think, in the end, her dad is going to have to learn to suck it up and deal, but is there any way to broker some peace here? He is really upset, and she dismisses it as toxic masculinity.
Not that her views are for show; they can be real and valid and still be deployed strategically, developmentally, to differentiate herself from her parents. So if he’s receptive to words that are more useful than reassuring, feel free to tell your husband that, in so valuing his name as a symbol of himself and family, he may have handed his daughter the means by which she could declare her independence — and if he wants to keep her as close to him as possible, his smartest move is to drop the issue completely and trust his love and authority to exist independently of their trappings.
If he’s not, then stick to making sympathetic sounds — “This is hard for you, I know” — or to reminding him that it’s an accomplishment, yours and his, to raise a child with her own beliefs and the strength to stand up for them. Or urge him to model maturity and leadership by being patient in his responses to her. Ahem. Power struggles and peacemaking rarely bring power or peace.
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