Personal Perspective: Grief is lonely, but social media can spark connection, invite stories, and remind us that people care.
epidemic,” it gave me pause. I’d always thought of an epidemic as an outbreak of disease, and while loneliness is emotionally painful, I hadn’t realized it could literally make us sick. A bit of digging, and I learned that loneliness doesn’t just affect our mood; it can increase our risk of heart disease and stroke and has even been found to pose the same health risks as There are many factors contributing to this epidemic, of course, with one major culprit being our reliance on technology as a primary means of connection.
We spend more time looking down at screens than looking up at faces. Even when we're with people in person, we’re often distracted by the digital world in our pockets. But the very thing we blame for driving us apart sometimes becomes the thing that brings us together, especially when it comes to grief. I’ve lost six of the people closest to me: three parents, two sisters, and my teenage daughter. That means 12 times a year, I’m observing/celebrating/honoring one of their birthdays or deathdays. That’s a lot of non-holiday holidays to mark on my calendar. The deathdays tend to be more ritualistic and somber than the birthdays. I light a yahrtzeit candle. I visit the cemetery. I play sad music and stay close to home. The birthdays take on a different tone. It started when I was noticeably sad on one of my sisters' birthdays. My then-13-year-old son asked what was wrong. When I told him it was his Aunt Rachel’s birthday, he suggested we get her favorite cake for dinner. That night turned into a celebration of sorts: toasts about my sister, sharing funny stories, and, of course, eating cake. In recent years, though, there’s one ritual I’ve kept for both birthdays and deathdays: I post about my people on social media. At first, it was simply a way to mark the day—a chance for me to share a picture and a few words about my person. But as the years went on, and the list of people I’m grieving grew longer, I started to wonder if it was too much. Did people really want their scroll through vacation pics, recipe ideas, and pet videos interrupted by tributes to dead people? I asked myself why I kept doing it. What I found surprised me and made me even more committed to continuing to post.As long as we keep saying our people’s names, their memories and legacies live on. One of the biggest mistakes people make in trying to support grievers is not wanting to mention the people who have died. They don’t want to “remind us.” But trust me, we haven’t forgotten. Posting reminds people that we’re thinking about our people and suggests that we want to talk about them. It makes me smile every time someone sends me a picture of a dahlia to commemorate my daughter, whose name was Dalia.It takes pressure off people who are wondering whether to bring up our loved ones in general, and the significance of the day in particular. It’s a way of saying, “Let’s talk about it.”The only way to make new memories of my people now is through the stories, pictures, and videos others share. Each response adds to mybank. When I posted on my mom’s deathday last month, people wrote about her dancing, her Friday-night dinners, even her wedding. What a gift. As grievers, it can feel like we’re the only person who's thinking about our person, especially as the years move on. Posting reminds the world that our people were here and that their lives mattered. I’ll never forget when a former student of my dad’s commented on a post about him, sharing how he’d changed the course of her life. Decades after his death, his legacy is still rippling outward.For most of us, asking for help is tough. It can be especially uncomfortable to reach out about something as personal asIn the end, posting about my people on social media is about feeling connected—to those I’ve lost and to those who remain. My people are with me every day, but for at least 12 days a year, they’re with my wider world, too. And in those moments, grief feels a little less lonely.writes about the mingling of joy and sorrow, mothering a child with a rare disease, and staying rooted when life tries to blow you down.Whatever your goals, it’s the struggle to get there that’s most rewarding. It’s almost as if life itself is inviting us to embrace difficulty—not as punishment but as a design feature. It's a robust system for growth.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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