Personal Perspective: Who are you when everything you were holding onto is gone? After deep loss or trauma, identity can feel shattered, but it can also be rebuilt.
nurse practitioner, I’ve supported thousands of people navigating trauma, loss, and mental health challenges. But nothing prepared me for the identity crisis that followed the deaths of three of my children, Johnny, Reggie, and Miah.
Each loss shattered something in me, not just emotionally, but existentially. I didn’t just lose my children; I lost my sense of self. I was a mother, a wife, a caregiver, a clinician, a professional. But who was I now? Was I even a mother anymore?, illness, or a major life change, it’s not uncommon to find yourself looking in the mirror and asking: Who am I without that person? Without that role? Without the life I thought I’d have? And here’s what I’ve come to understand, both personally and professionally: Rebuilding identity is not separate from healing—it is part of the healing.We often define ourselves by our roles: I’m a parent. I’m a partner. I’m a helper. I’m a high achiever. These identities are reinforced by our daily routines, the people who need us, and the structures around us. But when trauma or loss comes, especially when it’s sudden, those roles can collapse in an instant. I still remember the quiet that followed Reggie’s passing. Not just the emotional silence, but the absence of tasks. No more medications to track. No, were now empty. The silence was unbearable, not just because of grief, but because I didn’t know what to do. My identity had been wrapped around keeping Reggie alive. And now he was gone. This is something I see often in people who have lost a loved one, left a long-term relationship, stepped away from a demanding job, or survived a health crisis. The external changes are obvious. But the internal ones are harder to name. There’s a kind of invisible grief for yourself, for the version of you that no longer exists.One of the most liberating realizations in trauma recovery is that what happened to you is not the full story of who you are. Trauma can create what psychologists call “over-identification with the wound.” The event or loss becomes the lens through which you see everything, including yourself. And while it’s important to acknowledge trauma, it can also begin to define us if we’re not careful. In my own journey, I started to notice how often I thought of myself as broken. Or as “the mom who lost her kids.” I didn’t realize I was reinforcing a narrative that kept me tethered to pain. It wasn’t intentional; it was a form of self-protection. But it was also preventing me from imagining anything new.This is where the work begins, gently separating your experience from your essence. Asking yourself, “What parts of me are still here? What parts are waiting to be rediscovered or rebuilt?” It’s not about erasing the loss. It’s about expanding beyond it.From a psychological perspective, identity is not fixed. It evolves in response to our life experiences, our environments, and our choices. After trauma, we often go through a process called, a concept supported by decades of research. While the trauma itself doesn’t lead to growth, how we process it can lead to greater self-awareness, deeper values, and a redefined sense of purpose. For me, this meant returning to my beliefs. Not religious beliefs, but core convictions: I believe people can grow. I believe pain can have purpose. I believe my children’s lives mattered, and that how I live mine can honor theirs. I didn’t become someone new overnight. I rebuilt slowly, over time, through small decisions: how I spent my mornings, how I cared for my body, how I reconnected with others, how I gave myself permission to feel both grief and joy in the same breath. If you’re reading this and feeling like you’ve lost yourself, I want you to know: You’re still in there. You might not feel like the same person you were before, and you’re not. Trauma changes us. But it doesn’t erase us. The essence of who you are, your compassion, yourRebuilding your identity doesn’t mean ignoring your pain. It means allowing both your grief and your growth to coexist, and using that tension to create something new.We don’t talk enough about identity loss in the healing process. But it’s often a deep wound, and the most powerful opportunity. Cristi Bundukamara, Ed.D., PMHNP, is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. She lost three of her seven children and her husband; her husband and two of her children died from a rare neurodegenerative disease, and one child died from a drowning accident. She serves in the US Navy Reserves.Whatever your goals, it’s the struggle to get there that’s most rewarding. It’s almost as if life itself is inviting us to embrace difficulty—not as punishment but as a design feature. It's a robust system for growth.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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