Personal Perspective: After a major medical procedure with a long and lonely recovery, I asked 5000 people in my social network for support. How many responded?
The best way to be supported is to be supportive. Map out your key allies and check up on them regularly. Whenever possible, opt for high-touch communication vs. low-touch .Five weeks ago, I underwent an elective but gory orthopedic procedure.
I went home the same day to start a lengthy recovery process. As a self-proclaimed, saying in essence:"I'm gonna need a lot of social support in this next month of recuperation, so please send good energy! Write, text, call, send good champagne, and/or dark chocolate—let your beneficent presence be known. Every little bit helps!" It went out to 3700friends, 1000 people in my college alumni group, and another 500 people in various Whatsapp groups. I also texted it directly to a dozen or so close friends. Over the next 12 days, I couldn't leave the house. Seriously high on painkillers, I couldn't focus enough to read or even listen to a book. Visitors and calls were exactly what I needed. Perhaps I should mention: if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a social guy. I've hosted around 150 events in Los Angeles in the past 4 years alone—mixers, parties, hikes, dinners, happy hours. I run two active social groups with around 1000 members in them total. So you would imagine that, in his hour of need, an avid connector and extrovert like yours truly would be inundated by calls, messages of support, and visitors—especially after explicitly requesting that from his network of thousands.I received ten calls, half of which I had initiated. Three were from immediate family members. One friend visited. I did get a few dozen texts and around 100 Facebook comments on the post, and 350 Facebook Likes, festooned with the full spectrum of emojis meant to be highly expressive. Unfortunately, in 3 million years of hominin evolution, we have not been designed to feel an emoji or text message the way we feel the presence of a friend—the look of a concerned face, the tone of anEven writing has only been around for a mere blip in evolutionary time—5000 years, give or take. We haven't adapted to feel truly cared for via cuneiform. Think of it this way: If your dog or cat were distressed, would you text them? Or rather, would you soothe them with your touch and voice? Perhaps it's a good idea to extend the same courtesy to our human friends, too. The incident made me wonder: What if somebody's new to town and doesn't know a lot of people? Is a little more introverted? Is far from family? Who's going to shows up forWhich brings us to the purpose of this article: to make sure that you get proper support in your time of need. So, what should we do to make surehave? Make a list of your Top 15 allies—the people you are most likely to let crash on your couch, pick up from the airport, or spot some cash to. Then resolve to call and check up on at least one of them every week. And let them know they should call you immediately when something important comes up. As hypersocial creatures, we humans have a strong drive to reciprocate. So when your Top 15 feel supported by you, they're much more likely to support you in turn. You can also experiment with technology and maybe create a private group chat where people can announce in real time when they're in need of support. If you read carefully my request for help above, you'll notice that I asked for calls, letters, texts, dark chocolate, and champagne. I'm happy to report that I received all but the last. What I did notrequest: visitors. In modern times when people just don't casually drop in to each other's homes anymore, you need to be very explicit about your need for something exotic like visitors. Otherwise, cultural barriers, habits, and norms will keep people from dropping by or even calling, lest they intrude into your life. Which brings us to…In an era when a phone call is considered a nuisance, you've got to break through the fog. Do this by explicitly empowering your tribe to be benevolently intrusive. Let them know that they are welcome, nayto call, video chat, and even visit in person. Otherwise people will fall upon their default habits of sending texts, emojis, or thoughts and prayers, which are nice but don't touch you in any meaningful way.Face-to-face conversation is an incredibly complex exchange of energy and information that engages all of your mind, body, and senses. Trying to squeeze all of that into a thin medium like a text is like trying to eat a pizza through a keyhole: messy, ineffective, and frustrating. Evolution has adapted us for real-time, in-person communication, so do your best to visit or call before resorting to a wimpy text. If you're sending out a call for help to legions of people, it's easy for them to to think,"Hey, I'm really busy right now but I'm surehas his back." And then—nobody shows up for you. So send your appeal directly to specific people such that they know they're on the hook. People are hardwired to be helpful. They just need to know they're the one being called upon. I've read a dozen books about dwindling social support in America, but it took me a major medical incident to feel it at a visceral level. The truth is that in a hyper-individualistic society like the US, we need to be very deliberate about building a community of mutual care. So dig your wellyou're thirsty. Be the source everyone needs. Implement these principles to create a robust and responsive support system for yourself and your tribe. It will be the most valuable life asset you have.reads 150 books a year, so you don’t have to. He is a Happiness Engineer, author, clinical hypnotherapist, brain trainer, public speaking coach, 3X TEDx speaker, and stage hypnotist.Being overly polite might seem kind, but it often leads to problems anyway, in relationships, with friends, and at work.
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