Loneliness is curable, and so much easier than we imagine.
— when we're lonely inside a relationship and even inside a"friendship." I described two friends, Jane and Melly, and a choice Melly made in an effort to take care of her friend and protect her from painful feelings.
In part one, I also promised a different kind of choice that we can make in our friendships, one that can alleviate loneliness and create deeper and radically more meaningful connections. Spoiler alert: The choice is simple and obvious . Here's what it looks like... If a friend tells you about a difficult situation in their life, something challenging or painful they're struggling with, the next time you see that friend, take the initiative andthem about that situation. Show them that you remember by asking a follow-up question to what they shared before, no matter how much time has passed. This is the radical choice in a nutshell. Ask them how that particular situation is going, if anything has changed, how they're doing with it, or just mention that you've been thinking about them carrying this challenge. The point is to just tip your hat to the fact that you heard them when they shared before, and that it mattered enough to you, and they matter enough for you to remember it and carry it with you. It's a simple but profoundly powerful way to show someone that they've been seen, and that what they say doesn't just disappear into the ether. When you ask, you give someone the remarkable gift of feeling known. I’ve heard hundreds of stories like Jane and Melly’s, where we avoid what a friend is struggling with, which is often what she longs to be able to speak about. We do itthem, or so we imagine… to keep them from suffering more. Sadly, what happened with Jane and Melly happens all the time, which is part of why so many of us are walking around feeling lonely and disconnected, unseen and unknown. We don’t bring up our friend's difficult situation because we don’t want to bring them down, or make them go there if they're enjoying not being there. And so we leave the onus on them to raise the topic; if they don't bring it up, we shouldn’t either. We claim we’re being kind, respectful, and sensitive by leaving their difficulty unspoken and behaving as if their situation doesn’t exist. In our narrative, we’re giving them space so the difficulty doesn’t have to ruin their current experience.ask about a hard situation, we’re not being kind, respectful, or sensitive. In our silence, we’re requesting that the other person join us in ourand disconnection; we’re asking them to abandon their experience, and we’re making parts of their experience welcome and other parts unwelcome. But saddest of all is that we're leaving them alone in a place where they most need our company. We’re not meaning to, but we're creating loneliness within the relationship itself.the one who’s having a good time, keeping the conversation light and positive? I’m here to suggest that despite all that, you bring it up anyway, and trust that when you get there, you’ll know what to do. And I’ll make you another promise: Just by asking, by inviting their whole self, their whole reality into your relationship, not just the safer parts of it, you’ll feel better and closer to your friend, and they’ll feel better and closer to you.to bring it up again"when they feel up to talking about it." We'll never know when that is, and you can safely assume that if you ask with kindness, they'll want to talk about it, or if not, they'll be touched by your remembering it, which is a different form of the same salve. Regardless, let your friend be in charge of what she needs; if she doesn't feel like going there, she can tell you that. Don't micromanage anyone else's experience to save your own. Don’t assume what she needs, no matter how well you think you know her or how well-intentioned your omission might be. Offer your friend the dignity of deciding for herself. Err — always — on the side of kindness, of remembering, listening, and caring. We have lots of rationalizations for why we should take the easy path in our relationships, but one rule of thumb that never fails is this... Never talk yourself out of the compassionate choice. Be kind and let the chips fall where they fall. As they say, when you shoot for the moon, the worst that can happen is that you'll fall amongst the stars.This simple yet radical gesture of remembering and following up creates connection, closeness, and meaning. This practice of continuity is one of hearing and seeing another human being in their actual reality, and intentionally demonstrating that they don't just disappear from your consciousness when you're not physically with them. Essentially, it means showing them that they have a place in your life. At the end of the day, everyone wants the same thing: to feel heard, known, and connected. The reason loneliness is an epidemic right now is because people don't feel heard, known, or connected. What I’m suggesting, here — this simplegesture — is in fact the antidote to loneliness. With this tiny gesture, you show the other person that they're heard, known, and also that they're not alone.I will say, too, that in all my years of hearing these kinds of stories, I've never heard someone say they wish their friend hadn’t asked how they were doing, or remembered something difficult they were carrying. Not once. On the other hand, I’ve heard so many people talk about how meaningful it felt to have someone follow up and remember, and how cared for they felt when they didn’t have to be entirely in charge of their own care. This led to a feeling of having someone else walking through their life with them. This caring curiosity is a small but priceless gift that we can offer a friend, with no skin off our backs. All it requires, really, is a little bit ofand a little bit of courage. If you want to put an end to loneliness within your relationships, start here.Whatever your goals, it’s the struggle to get there that’s most rewarding. It’s almost as if life itself is inviting us to embrace difficulty—not as punishment but as a design feature. It's a robust system for growth.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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