On Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day, Can We Be Equals? “The thing that is supposed to bind us together has somehow torn us apart, because so many of us are fixated on how we had it better or worse.”
And I get that. I really do. But sometimes, I wish there was more space for parents who don’t have the most “typical” losses too.I talk a lot about the loss of my daughter, but what you don’t hear as frequently is that I had a miscarriage before anyone saw me as a mother. For months, I wept into my pillow every night. They were the deep, ugly sobs—the ones you have to feel to know. And if you know, then there’s nothing more to say about it other than I’m sorry you’ve been there too.
With my miscarriage came limited support. I don’t think I even heard of Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day — that is how out of the loop I was. It felt like I wasn’t far enough along for a warm welcome from the “miscarriage group” of grieving moms, almost like my grief was inferior to another’s because I never saw a heartbeat on the ultrasound. But now thatit feels like other mothers who lost their children in the womb feel the same way about their earlier gestational losses as I did too.
They begin conversations off about their grief with phrases like “I know you had it much worse” or “I shouldn’t complain about this to you.” But each time they say these things to me, it breaks my heart for them. Because I’ve been there, and I wish they knew that our grief isn’t a competition and I’m not keeping score.was just as difficult for me as the loss of my daughter. I’ve gathered this opinion from my own lived experiences, and it’s only a reflection of my own life.
We shouldn’t need someone to diminish their grief to feel validated about our own. Instead, we should view our losses as separate because that’s what they are. Furthermore, when someone is sharing a sacred piece of their grieving process, it isn’t about us orWe need to remember that all bereaved parents are welcome to share their stories.
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