On navigating the holiday season after loss.
with grief. My body, the body that had once carried me to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro and sustained 14-hour shifts in a pastry kitchen, now struggled to walk around the block. I had aches and sniffles all the time.
“I don’t know what else to do,” I sobbed. “I don’t know how to make Christmas nice. I just need to pretend like there is no Christmas.” I guessed that feeling broken with family in Philadelphia might be better than proving my resilience alone in New Zealand. I canceled my trip. I cried at the table. I barely ate my mom’s beautiful meal, the meal I anticipated all year. I snapped at my aunt for asking about a birthday check I never cashed. I went to bed, and instead of looking forward to Christmas Day, I only felt an exhausted relief that Christmas Eve was over: one day down, one to go.. There were nice moments, like a crackling fire and laughs supplied by my curly-haired baby nephew. But the first Christmas holiday post-Erik was pretty much terrible.
I rode tides of sadness, emptiness, and loss, hour by hour, until the holidays were over. I leaned in to the happy, normal moments when they came, taking someone’s advice to feel grateful, not guilty, for the reprieve those good moments offered. I ate some cookies. I embraced the hugs.
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