'My vision of parenthood was never meant to be nuclear — it was always intended to include the Venn diagram–like overlap between my co-parenting partner and my other partners.'
Photo-Illustration: by the Cut; Photos courtesy of the subject. In early 2018, my partner Lex told me that they were pregnant. Sitting on the stairs, they lifted up their shirt to show an early pregnancy bloat: “I mean, look at this?! How didn’t I know?” Incredibly relieved that the news they insisted on telling me in person was actually celebratory, I turned to look at Manuel, their husband and also my other partner . “I’m so happy for you two!” I said.
When my son was born in June 2019, I was spoiled by all the love and support from my boyfriend, who committed to babywearing nearly 24/7, changing diapers and handling nonstop wake-ups; Manuel helped me put together furniture and planned baby-friendly outings; Lex helped me figure out breastfeeding and validated my struggles with new parenthood as postpartum depression consumed a majority of my son’s infancy.
Zooming from my now-toddler’s room in my compact home, I saw monogamous couples who were rapidly trying to adjust to being each other’s singular social support, child-care provider, sexual partner, domestic chore-doer , and work-from-home co-worker.
I, on the other hand, was frozen in place. Lex and Manuel lived just 30 minutes from me, but I could barely manage a FaceTime date or a Zoom birthday party, burnt out on trying to make screen time feel like a real connection. Eventually, we graduated to an outdoor birthday party and some masked walks, but I just couldn’t access my former level of intimacy or community without feeling like I was putting myself and others at risk.
As someone planted firmly in the spheres of sex positivity and nonmonogamy, I often hear that sexual exploration, pleasurable experiences, and partners outside of a dyad are extraneous, not essential. And though I’ve never personally or professionally agreed, when forced into a pandemic reality, I acted as though I did.
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