A transmasc employee grapples with coworkers repeatedly misgendering a non-binary colleague, creating feelings of invalidation and discomfort. The advice column provides strategies for addressing the issue, including subtle corrections and identifying potential allies.
I work in a relatively liberal field in a conservative area. I have a co-worker in another department that we work closely with, “Alex,” who goes by they/them pronouns. This is not a secret; it is bold in their email signature and bio on the company website.
Many of my co-workers have worked with them for years. Despite this, all my co-workers in my department exclusively use she/her pronouns for Alex! At this point, it feels like either deliberate or purposeful ignorance. This isn’t a case of a generational gap, either, as many of my younger co-workers do it too. I don’t want to approach Alex about this, as I’m sure they already know everyone misgenders them. But I’m at a loss for how to address this with my team. I’m transmasc but not out at work, and each time Alex is misgendered I also feel invalidated and even a bit unsafe. This hasn’t impacted my work necessarily, but it has impacted how I view and feel comfortable with my co-workers. I know I’m expecting a lot from people withand Bible quotes in their offices, but I feel like they should at least be trying. Do I need to start correcting them every time until it sinks in? Or should I just grit my teeth and bear it?I’m sorry you’ve been put in such an uncomfortable position that’s left you feeling unsafe and isolated. Your colleagues misgendering Alex isn’t just abstract for you, and being closeted adds another layer of complexity to an already fraught situation. So I really understand how delicate and high-stakes this all feels. I think your best bet—given the conservative and potentially defensive nature of your workplace—is to make the corrections in a casual, almost incidental way. So if someone refers to Alex as “she,” you simply respond, “Oh yes, I was talking to them the other day…” or something along those lines. You can even casually say “I think Alex prefers they/them,” and then move on. I also wonder if there’s anyone on your team or even your workplace who could be an ally. I’m not advocating coming out to this person, but rather finding someone who may be more politically and culturally aligned with you? That might help ease some of the isolation you feel at work. It’s possible there are other people who feel similarly but have kept quiet because of the prevailing culture.Please keep questions short , and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.I work somewhere with just 10 full time employees. The director pretty consistently mispronounces the name of our newest hire . It’s a common American name with a couple variations, but the director always goes with the wrong one. Think calling a Liza “Lisa” or a Susan “Susanne.” The rest of us use the correct pronunciation, but the director doesn’t seem to pick up on it. I know “Liza” corrected her once at the beginning, but it never stuck. At what point is it our responsibility to point this out? Early on, the director would go back and forth between both pronunciations, but now it seems like the wrong one is here to stay. It just makes me cringe when our director uses the wrong name to introduce Liza to people she hasn’t met before, because it sets her up to have to correct them, too.My Son Is Wasting Away His Youth in the Same Way as a Lot of Young People Right Now. I Need to Snap Him Out of It! Oh, how I feel your co-worker’s pain. For some reason there are certain people who love to pronounce my name with the emphasis on the second syllable instead of the first , and at some point it just becomes too awkward to correct them. My only salvation is sometimes if I’m in a group with one of these people and someone else calls me by my correct pronunciation, they willlook up and say something like, “Oh, have I been pronouncing your name wrong?” and then we have a little chuckle about it and go about our days. Sometimes they never catch on, and maybe I should correct them every time but it’s also frankly exhausting, and I don’t know these peopleHowever. These are not people I see every day, like your director and the new hire! And I understand Liza’s impulse, as a newer employee, to not press the issue, so I commend you for wanting to stick up for her. If you’re comfortable, I would just take the director aside—in front of other people, and not when she has just mispronounced her employee’s name—and say, “Hey, just so you know, Liza’s name is actually pronounced this way.” I think you do this once and then you let it go. It’s inconsiderate of your director, but ultimately not your problem.I work part-time in a mid-market clothing store. It’s an OK gig. Good co-workers, the customers aren’t too annoying, and the discount is great. Most of the managers are alright —except one, and she’sstarting to annoy me. This manager, “Tina,” always checks my bag way more thoroughly than she checks other people’s bags. At first, I thought it was because I was new. But I’m not the newest anymore, and
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