How do you prepare for a baby when the apocalypse is on its way?
I wanted to get accidentally pregnant—as much as it could be accidental after having discussed it with my boyfriend, Ian, and stopped our efforts to prevent pregnancy. But, we didn't pay close attention to any of those details so that it would feel accidental when it occurred.
My period was due right after the 2016 election, and when it didn't come, I panicked. The extreme gravity of having a baby at this time in history suddenly hit me. Our world was rapidly turning to an actual tire fire, and instead of fixing it, we had elected an anthropomorphic loogie to govern via Twitter. We were now very firmly on the other side of something, and there was no way to go back.
College will exist only for rich people and maybe a few others who have clawed their way there through an impossibly delicate balance of high intelligence, irresistible charm, good luck bordering on magic, and unmistakable, genius-level talent. Everyone else will spend their entire budget on an apartment shared with 10 other people and one piece of equipment with planned obsolescence on which their entire freelance career depends.
Pregnancy sickness is terrible, worse than they tell you. I was sick and tired, and that's all I was. Sick and Tired was the entirety of my personality, for weeks, months. I had no sense of humor, no dreams or goals, no will to get out of bed or shower or continue living. I was nauseous to the point of physical pain, had constant headaches, hated the idea of food, and smell became my most dominant sense.
The only thing I could bear to eat was anything from Panda Express. It made no sense, I don't even usually like Panda Express, but there was no logical way around it. Panda Express or else, my body told me. But sometimes the or else came either way. The selfishness of these fears made me feel worried. If physical discomfort was all it took for me to question my interest in motherhood, wasn't that some kind of proof I'd be terrible at the job?At 12 weeks, I got an ultrasound. We saw our fetus, their bones lit up like glow-in-the-dark paint, legs stretched out, arms up. Chill as hell. Half tadpole, half Ferris Bueller.
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