Dear How to Do It: He's told me to be explicit when I want to initiate sex, but then when I am, he gets frustrated and says, “OK, I get it, it's just not the right time.”
My partner and I are both in our late 20s and we’ve known our libidos were a little mismatched since we started dating. I generally want sex and am horny more often, and this wouldn’t normally be a problem—if it weren’t for a recent discovery that’s made me feel desperate and undesired.
He’s told me to be explicit when I want to initiate sex, but then when I am, he gets frustrated and says, “OK, I get it, it’s just not the right time.” He’s also said that I should just “feel things out” and I end up misreading situations and trying to initiate sex or mutual masturbation, only to be shut down.
I don’t want to be jealous of him jerking off! But that’s the situation I find myself in. When I bring it up, he says “you know we have different approaches to sex and I think you’re beautiful.” It’s a conversation we’ve had multiple times, but nothing fundamentally changes . I don’t want to police his arousal or masturbation but it kills me when he tells me he’s “not feeling it” and later that night he’s looking at pictures of hot girls on Twitter and I find the lube out the next morning.
Also, there’s something up with him claiming desire and yet not living it, and then showing it in other ways by himself. I feel like there’s missing information here.Reading this letter, I’m seeing a woman who very clearly minimizes her own desires twice in two paragraphs.
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