This is going to ruin our summer.
Dear Care and Feeding, My husband, “Larry,” and I have two kids, “Caleb,” 12, and “Carolina,” 7. Summer has just begun, but Larry is already lobbying Caleb to sign up for the football team at the middle school he will be attending come August.
Larry played football from the time he was 7 through college, and he’s always wanted our son to follow in his footsteps. Knowing about the risks of CTE, I have held firm and told him not until Caleb was older, and, even then, only if he was willing. Caleb turned out to be decidedly a theater kid, much to Larry’s chagrin. Two nights ago, he called Caleb a “pansy” after Caleb said for the umpteenth time that he doesn’t want to play football. Last night, he tried to bribe him with a bike if he agreed to sign up. It’s clear where this is headed, and I don’t want my son to endure an entire summer of pressure. What can I do to shut it down?
Wait, what? Did you not know until two nights ago that your husband was homophobic? Never mind.
Even if this was a revelation to you; even if his “chagrin” about his child’s preference for theater over football was about nothing more than his disappointment that he didn’t get the mini-me he’d hoped and prayed for; and even if he apologized to Caleb, told him what he’d said was totally out of line and unacceptable, begged for his forgiveness, and swore he’d never use hate-speech when talking to his son, ever again, it seems to me that you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands than a summer of pressure on your child.
If I were you, I’d let Larry know that 1) if he ever speaks to Caleb this way again, your marriage is over, and 2) he doesn’t get to decide who his son is going to be—that’s for Caleb to figure out—and he certainly doesn’t get to force his son to follow in his footsteps. You might point out that the latter is a surefire way to destroy his relationship with his kid.
While you’re at it, why not let him know that you’ll love and support Caleb in whatever direction his life takes, whatever interests he pursues, whoever he grows up to be, and whoever he ends up loving? And that you expect the same from your husband. Talk to your son privately about what happened between him and his father, too.
You don’t necessarily have to throw Larry under the bus , but you do need to tell your child that his dad was out of line, that it’s never OK to call anyone a “pansy”—and that you’ve told his dad as much—and that you’re aware that his dad is maybe too invested in Caleb doing the things Dad enjoys and not yet quite invested enough in supporting Caleb’s own interests and passions.
“A lot of parents make this mistake,” you can say. “The truth is, it’s sometimes hard for parents to recognize that their kids are not them. But you are you, and you can count on me to always support you. And your dad and I are working on him getting there, too.
” That last bit might be wishful thinking, but who knows? That conversation you’re going to have with Larry might be a wake-up call for him.
Meanwhile, you’re letting Caleb know you’re in his corner. I’m working part time from home while caring full time for an 8-month-old baby. My husband is an essential worker with long and unpredictable hours, so I’m isolated at home with the baby 99 percent of the time.
My days are unstructured and lonely and completely exhausting, and by the end of the day,Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.
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