I don't like where this is going.
My partner, a queer female in her 30s, and I, a queer male in my 40s, have been together for around three years. When we started dating, I made it clear I was non-monogamous, but I consider myself emotionally monogamous .
She’s a bit more monogamous than I am . In the beginning, we primarily played with couples. That’s when it became clear she harbors a bit of jealousy when I’m with other women or am getting attention from them.
However, in the last six months, we met a very attractive and fit couple—in this situation, the female half of that couple is “saturated” . They both date solo and are married with kids.
However, my partner and I and the male half of that couple hit it off well. My partner goes on regular solo dates with him, which is a first for us: concerts, dinners, and activities, followed by incredibly hot sex. I have a cuckold fetish , so I absolutely love this—hearing about it later, cleaning her up, getting her ready, and everything in between. Sometimes I’m even involved in the room, and that’s also incredibly hot.
So, in that respect, it’s been good for us. But when I’ve suggested going on solo dates myself, she becomes extremely uncomfortable, upset, and angry. I’ve tried to press her on it, but she says she’s in love with me far too much and can’t handle it, and that’s just how she feels. What began as a pretty erotic situation now just feels like I’m being shut out of having my own experiences, my own autonomy, and my own desires.
She’s expressed that it’s unfair of me to ask for a “tit-for-tat” situation. I feel like everyone in this foursome situation is dating and having new and exciting experiences except me. I hate it. I’m not a jealous person, but this has me building some sort of resentment I can’t get past, and it’s depleting my bank account from multiple therapy sessions.
I’m getting nowhere. Help? You’re resentful, and I’m confused. You labeled yourself as “emotionally monogamous” and qualified that as “purely interested in physical experiences and friendships outside of a primary relationship.
” So why do you want to go on solo dates? One theory—and your partner clocked this—is that you are, in fact, operating on a “tit-for-tat” principle. You have illustrated just how impractical that is: Within a few hundred words, it has pulled you to disavow your own preferred relationship style. Abundance needn’t yield gluttony.
You have a lot that you are enjoying here—you’re even having fun as a result of your partner’s fun with the dude in the other couple. However, you can’t have everything, and becoming indignant over the perceived unfairness of a situation that is supplying you with hot sex and vicariously hot experiences will threaten your supply. I’m not exactly sure how you want this to shake out.
Do you want to be going out on dates with the other guy, the “saturated” woman who isn’t interested, or some fifth party that isn’t even in the equation at this point? What are you being shut out of?
If your partner’s ability to go out on dates becomes so vexing as to be a regular distraction, which it appears it has, it’s reasonable for you to ask her to stop or figure out another way forward that feels better for you. I don’t think this qualifies as tit for tat.
Even if what you are uncomfortable with is the perceived lack of parity , it’s valid to take steps to mitigate that discomfort. But consider, then, what you will be giving up: the cuckold play that you so love.
You should also consider that your partner showed jealous tendencies before you even met this other couple, so her willingness to explore non-monogamy with you represents some degree of concession on her part. Strictly speaking, she may not have found your desire to play with others “fair,” but she did it anyway.
“Fair” is the hill that an open relationship can die on. You should, instead, perform a more holistic assessment: You get to have so much fun as a result of your arrangement with your partner. Fine-tune as you see fit, but understand that you may have to give up some great stuff in the process. Think about whether it’s worth it.
Please keep questions short , and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
I have been with my wife for 10 years. We have two kids, ages 4 and 6, and she is an amazing person.
However, I have realized that I am gay after meeting “Adrian” during a seminar I attended for my job out of town. We ended up going back to his room, and for the first time in my life, I felt like who I was meant to be. My question is how to go about revealing this to my wife. I don’t want to upend my family’s life, but I can’t continue with what I now understand was a charade.
Any suggestions? You either upend the charade or you keep at it, closeted and pining for a life that you can’t bring yourself to claim. If you are gay, not bi, and no longer interested in sex/romance with your wife, you must at least contend with the possibility of life without her and what custody arrangements for your children will look like.
There are mixed-orientation couples that stay together after one member comes out as gay, which you can read about in the 2014 book,, but this kind of thing is rare. Even rarer is a relationship that can sustain this kind of arrangement. If you want to consider it a possibility, consider it a remote one. More likely, this will mean the end of your romantic relationship.
So right now is the time to prepare. I would immediately seek out a therapist who is either queer or well-versed in queer issues. You’ll have a much easier time talking about this with your wife if you can first talk about it with someone who understands what you are going through and can ask relevant questions.
Community support may also be useful—if you have any gay friends, particularly ones who were once in hetero marriages, they may be able to provide highly specialized support. Are you ready for the consequences of separation/divorce ? If not, the time to get ready for those is now. This will almost certainly be discussed when you come out to your wife.
It’s important to be sensitive to your wife , but this is probably the type of thing where it’s better to rip the Band-Aid off and get right to the point, instead of talking around it until you work up the courage to tell her you’re gay. That you discovered this through a sexual encounter with someone else may add another layer of difficulty, especially if you aren’t in an open relationship.
It’s one thing to be gay; it’s another thing to be gay and have cheated. Tell her how you feel, not just in terms of your sexuality but about her. Reassure her that you don’t want to upend everyone’s life and that you’ll figure out the least disruptive next steps. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but do maintain your desire to do the least amount of harm possible.
Good luck. It’s going to be a tough conversation at best. Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site.
I’ve been dating a man for about two years. He’s a great guy, and I love him a lot. We’re both in our upper 40s, established, educated, monogamous, and we have similar dreams and goals. Initially, we had some rocky sex , but that did not stop us, as we just found other ways to have fun, play around, and try again another time.
So, it didn’t seem to bother him or me enough, and things were great. After a year, I moved in with him. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had found the one. He’s so wonderful, attentive, caring, intelligent, and balanced.
He’s a great cook, lover, and friend. Since moving day, though, he hasn’t even had the desire to fool around. Immediately: No sex at all. He assured me it was not me.
He told me I was attractive, he loves me, and he thinks I’m great. After a few conversations about how sex was not happening, he told me he thought he was depressed. He stalled at seeing a doctor. It was very hard for him to get the motivation to see a doctor.
I helped him make the appointment. Turns out he’s normal and healthy for a middle-aged guy. He did get a prescription for depression medication, and he does take it. Mood-wise, he does seem happier.
His tests were normal. There’s nothing that tells me he is cheating. He works from home, and he’s not on his phone much at all. If he leaves the house, it’s to go fishing with his buddies.
He brings home fish. We generally still have a great relationship. Except this feels like an elephant in the room. There’s still nothing in the sex department—not even making out.
We have some really sweet hand-holding while watching a movie, and occasional light kisses and hugs during the day, but that’s it. I feel like a selfish jerk trying to tell him sex matters to me when everything else is great. We talk, he listens, but it doesn’t seem to be effective. My advances are met with almost no response.
He sometimes brushes me off, other times, he will start to get hard, and then he just finds something else to do . The last time we talked about it was a few weeks ago; he didn’t know what to do. His motivation to seek answers is pretty low. He suggested he should maybe try being more active.
He’s not really overweight, but maybe he feels out of shape. I’ve tried asking him to go on walks and stuff to facilitate that, but we end up not going for long. It doesn’t do much. Now it’s been over a year since we had sex.
Despite his claims, it’s really hard not to think it’s because of me somehow. I’m trying very hard to stay balanced here and sensitive to him. But I don’t know what to do. Is there a better way to approach him?
Could it be that the medications are not working? I feel cruel asking him to see a doctor again. Firstly, you aren’t a jerk or cruel for wanting to have an active sex life with the person that you love. This is something that many, many people feel.
It’s a method of expressing love and reinforcing bonds. It feels good. Many of us crave sex, and in a monogamous arrangement, our partner is our only outlet . Your desires and expectations are nothing to be ashamed of.
I wonder what your partner’s sexual history is. Has he been active with partners in the past? How important has sex been to him and his relationships? Could it be that he’s somewhere on the asexual spectrum?
While your early activity suggests that he is capable of enjoying sex , the honeymoon period of a relationship isn’t always a reliable predictor for how things will function in the long term. That’s like expecting an average day to live up to the time you spent at Disney World. Most nights, you soon learn, don’t end with fireworks. Sometimes, major relationship milestones have a de-eroticizing effect.
This may have something to do with the way proximity can sap the excitement around sexual activity with your partner, something Esther Perel writes about at length in. In any event, I don’t think it’s fair for you to blame yourself for your partner’s apparent lack of interest in sex—this is more likely a broader force at play, an issue with him, or, at worst, a product of the relationship to which you both contribute.
Also, if he received SSRIs for his depression, they could have a. What he is using to improve the problem may actually be exacerbating it. If that’s the case, his doctor may have some suggestions like lowering the dose or switching medications. What’s left to do?
Keep talking. Your desire isn’t going away. He should either search for answers or start admitting out loud what he is feeling. That is, if he isn’t really interested in sex at this point, for whatever reason, he should tell you that.
You can ask him point-blank. Just as it’s natural for you to desire sex with your partner, he may feel obligated by that norm and not want to admit that something is going on with him that may not be able to be repaired. It might just be how he is. If this remains a mystery, consider counseling.
That process may at least provide clarity, if not a solution. I am having the most passionate, playful, adventurous, and loving sex of my life with a person I now love with all my heart and have married. I do, however, have an ethical dilemma. On the very first weekend we decided to spend together, it was clearly going to be a sexual exploration. Think tropical secluded weekend.
Please follow us on Google to support us United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
New Line And Warner Bros. Picture Animation Set Directors For New ‘Hello Kitty’ MovieSanrio’s Hello Kitty feature from New Line Cinema and Warner Bros. Pictures Animation sets directors David Derrick Jr. and John Aoshima
Read more »
Gustavo Dudamel Reflects on His L.A. Phil Tenure, New Production, and New AdventuresGustavo Dudamel, music director of the L.A. Philharmonic, reflects on his tenure leading the orchestra, his upcoming production of Wagner's "Die Walküre", and his plans for new projects and partnerships. He also speaks about his connection to both New York and Los Angeles, the transformative impact of his time with the L.A. Phil, and his role as the Diane and M. David Paul Artistic Cultural Laureate and Jane and Michael Eisner Founding Director and Conductor Laureate of Youth Orchestra Los Angeles (YOLA).
Read more »
Most popular baby names for New York and New Jersey revealedThe Social Security Administration has released its official baby name data. Here are the top picks for New York and New Jersey.
Read more »
Eric Bogosian Shares New The Vampire Lestat Trailer Teasing Fresh Footage and New MusicEric Bogosian, the star of The Vampire Lestat, has shared a new trailer for the upcoming television series. The trailer features fresh footage and new music, providing a sneak peek at the drama that awaits fans when the show hits our screens on June 7. Bogosian has bypassed the official trailer release and has gone ahead to post it on his social media accounts, which were then shared by the show's account.
Read more »