'Sometimes I wonder if our family and friends would recognize our marriage at all without the party invitations.'
. It’s bitterly ironic that I’m applying for a marriage license during Pride, a global recognition of queer culture, when I and my fiancée will be the only queer people at our wedding.
When I moved to Seattle from New Jersey exactly three years ago, I dreamed up a new persona for myself. I relocated during the best possible time ― in the midst of the city’s Pride celebrations ― and planned to transform into the confident, calm and unabashedly queer woman I wanted to be. The media I had consumed until that point had promised me a “chosen family” of mutually young, urban and nonconformist queers.
By my own volition, I have constantly revised my approach to self-expression. The space between being unapologetic about my queer identity and demonstrating restraint when I feel a situation calls for it is a large one. I have a difficult time understanding whether my urge to live a nonconformist life is informed by my queerness or by a desire to reject all the expectations of straightness that have limited me.I met Kristina within a few weeks of moving into an apartment in Seattle.
If pride in myself is the destination, I have to acknowledge that I still face many forks in the road on the journey. The next one I’ll confront is attending my own wedding with people who love me but don’t understand me. My choice is to communicate that I need more support from them or leave things to remain as they have been.My fiancée and I reached a fair compromise and planned a courthouse ceremony followed by a modest party with friends and family.
Many times I have thought we’re absurd for holding onto hope that we can gather 30 people in a small garden to share a meal and some laughter, especially when there are so many important and transformative things happening in this country right now. But the alternative — a creeping feeling of isolation and rejection if we have to celebrate on our own — seems a lot worse than wishing the show can go on.
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