I feel bad, but ...
I divorced my ex-husband after I learned that he had cheated on me and gotten another woman pregnant. Our son was all of 6 months old at the time. My ex married his affair partner, and their son is now 7.
My son, “Carter” has a solid relationship with his half-brother, “James.” I have done my best to accommodate this, but over the years, I have found it increasingly difficult to see him, as he is a constant reminder of my former husband’s betrayal. I realize this is not rational and that James didn’t ask to be the product of an affair, but I can’t help it. What should I do?imagined what you are going through, many times. You see, I was conceived when my father was married to the mother of my two older sisters. My siblings and I were introduced when I was about 7, and I ended up meeting their mother about a year later. She and my father were divorced at that point and she welcomed me into her home regularly for visits with my sisters. She lives with my eldest sister and her family, and my daughter and I have stayed with them many times. We have attended both my sisters’ weddings, where my father was also present. We have been together for birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. We’ve clocked a lot of time together over the years, and I know that couldn’t have been easy for her at times. However, from day one, she has treated me with nothing but love and kindness. Once, we were out and someone assumed I was her daughter and she said, “She’s not my daughter, but she’s my girl.” It meant the world to me. She insisted that my sisters embrace me and made it clear that whatever anger they may have towards my parents had nothing to do with me. I credit her greatly with the close relationship we have.I think my sisters’ mother has otherworldly grace and empathy, but I feel like her behavior should be the standard in these situations. Time often heals our wounds, so the fact that you find it increasingly hard to deal with James after all these years suggests that you haven’t done all the work necessary to accept your circumstances. Be clear: This is fucked up and unfair, and I’m sorry you have to cope with it. However, you gotta put on your big girl panties and make peace with this situation. Hopefully, Connor and James will continue to have a great relationship, which means you’ll have to deal with James being around. I am lovingly encouraging you to speak to a professional. This is a hell of a thing to cope with, and there is no way to change this situation, so you need to find the tools necessary to make it work.My daughter’s father got engaged while I was pregnant, and he and his wife had a son just 18 months after I gave birth. None of this was easy to cope with but I always prioritized my daughter having a great relationship with her dad and the other members of his family. When her brother was born, I felt like he was yet another symbol of my failure to make my relationship with my ex work. But within a couple of years, he was spending the night at our home and joining my daughter and me for outings. I also, of course, have a great relationship with his father and mother. Despite my tremendous pain over how things played out early on, I have always tried to do what was best for our child. Today, I’m grateful to consider my daughter’s father, stepmother, and brother part of my family, too. I hope you can do the work to get past the heartbreak and focus on what’s best for the kids, and for you.Please keep questions short , and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.My daughter and son-in-law have a 3-year-old son, “Anthony.” Before he was born, they used to be active on the club and party scene. For the past several months they have taken to getting blackout drunk on the weekends. On Saturday night, I received a call from their next-door neighbor. She said Anthony had come over to her place and rang her doorbell. When she opened up, she found him in tears, and he said his parents wouldn’t wake up. Upon returning to their home with Anthony, she discovered them passed out in their living room and a nearly empty vodka bottle on the coffee table. I came over and stayed with Anthony until they woke up the next morning. It wasn’t until Sunday that I was able to return home because they had such severe hangovers. Talking to my daughter about her and her husband’s behavior has gone nowhere. The only thing that accomplishes is getting her to scream at me and threaten to cut off access to my grandson. If need be, I can take Anthony in until his parents clean themselves up. While I don’t want to turn them in to CPS, it seems my options are running out. Would it be worth the risk of alienating them to make sure I can keep my grandson safe?This is such a difficult situation, and there’s risk involved no matter what you do. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my daughter and her husband that I am taking my grandchild until they get clean, and that if they stand in my way, I will report them to the authorities. Hopefully, they’ll give in, and you can take care of your grandbaby–something you should be prepared to do indefinitely. If they refuse, you have a tough decision to make. Involving child protective services does not guarantee a great outcome for children; however, it sounds like your grandson is in grave danger in his parents’ care and you may not have a choice but to report them. Find out if there’s a possibility of CPS placing the child with you if he’s taken from his parents, and if you do report them, make sure that you and your home would meet the standards to care for him. Don’t concern yourself with alienating his parents, and instead, focus on doing what’s right for your grandbaby.My husband and I have two kids, 8-year-old Liam and 5-year-old Sarah. Sarah has had high-prescription glasses since she was 14 months old. The glasses are thick and make her eyes look noticeably magnified. So far, we’ve celebrated the glasses: Even if they make her look different from her friends, they are a tool that helps her see and keeps her eyes healthy, and that’s something to celebrate. A few people have made comments about it, but she usually takes it in stride because we’ve celebrated the glasses with her.However, recently, Sarah came home from school upset because something in a school activity featured a character with glasses, which were associated with being nerdy and, therefore, annoying. Somehow. I am conflicted on how to talk to her about this. So far, we’ve celebrated everything, but I’m not sure if I should prepare her for the fact that, though her glasses are to be celebrated, there may be people who are confused or mean-spirited and want to cause pain. Similarly, we are a very nerdy family. Sarah is already into superheroes, comic books, high fantasy, and getting super into a specific topic and knowing everything about it; Liam, my husband, and I also are into this. I love that trait about us, and I know that being bullied for being nerdy is not as common now as it was when my husband and I were in school, but still. I’m not sure whether I should prepare Sarah for the possibility that she might get teased for these traits, or if we should wait for it to actually happen before we talk with her about it. I wouldn’t want her to be blindsided by bullying, but I also don’t want to plant the seed of doubt in her head myself if she ends up with nothing negative from her peers.My Friend Invited Us for Dinner. When She Greeted Us at the Door, She Asked for Something Shocking.My Son Has Suddenly Developed an Alarming Attitude Toward School. I Don’t Recognize Him. I think it would be appropriate to let Sarah know that glasses are often associated with being smart and serious about school, which are positive things, but to also explain the studious nerd stereotype, dismissing it as something silly and disconnected from reality. Let her know that many different types of people require glasses and that the only thing they have in common is needing help in order to see. Talk about how many kids don’t think of school as cool, perhaps because they don’t have great teachers like she does or perhaps because they are having a hard time keeping up; as a result, they may think of kids who love and/or exceed at school as “nerdy.” List people she may think of as impressive who wear glasses and find cool pictures of celebrities, notables and models wearing them. As far as a deeper conversation about how people with your family’s tastes may be regarded, I think the world is safer for “nerdy” folks than ever before, and that you shouldn’t weigh her down with the possibility that one day, someone may be mean to her because of her interests. Her social skills are more likely to impact her experience with her peers than her love of comic books or obscure trivia. Help her to feel confident about herself and the things she likes to do so she can confidently share them with peers who may not be familiar with them, and so she doesn’t feel that she needs to revise her passions in order to fit in.My husband “Jack” and I have been trying to have children for the last five years. We’ve been through a fortune in IVF and dealt with eight miscarriages. Our fertility team has told us the only option at this point is surrogacy. Except we can’t afford it. We have five embryos left and our only hope now is Jack’s sister “Brandi.” She is within the age limit for surrogacy and already has a 4-year-old .
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