My coronavirus lockdown: FOMO in Soho
My shopping haul included — in order of priority: Gin. Lemons and limes to go with the gin. Twelve of each. Beef stroganoff ingredients. 10 protein yoghurts, 1kg tub of Greek-style yoghurt and 5 tubs of cottage cheese. Apparently I don’t have nearly enough snot. In compensation, I have 5 litres of oat milk to offset the cow juice. I bought 1.
Add to that 2 tubes of tomato purée and a mysterious, additional, 4 tubs of tomato purée that I don’t remember adding to my basket, along with a further 5 tins of chopped tomatoes. Apparently my very survival is dependent on tomatoes. 1 bag of brown onions and 1 bag of red onions gives me yet another reason to find my own company abhorrent. Add to that 18 eggs and a jar of minced garlic and I’ll be saving a whole lot of people from my company if, indeed, I should have the virus.
Buying stewing mutton, stewing steak, chicken thighs and pork sausages proves that I have abandoned my veganism in favour of my own perilous survival. Baking potatoes, asparagus spears, 2 poxy avocados , coriander leaves, watery strawberries and rosemary sprigs make up the extent of the other fresh ingredients I bought.
To offset the healthy ingredients, I added 30 tins of Diet Coke and 6 litres of Italian sparkling water. Hang on,water? Oh dear. I’ll wipe it down with the antibacterial wipes I bought, labelled “assured by doctors”. If ever a marketing claim was to be tested, it would be now. The brand must be soiling itself, and its marketing team will probably be cleaning their back passages with its anti-bac wipes, thanks to the absence of toilet rolls at the moment.
Tomorrow is my solitary birthday. I will begin the day with a frustratingly dodgy and buffering video call breakfast with my darling sister and her family. The already-dreadful Wi-Fi bandwidth here in Soho will be savaged by residents as they spend the day scoffing crisps, watching Netflix and arguing with each other over toilet paper.Would you like to comment on this article or view other readers' comments? Register or sign in now.
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