A woman shares her experience of being criticized by her daughter and her friends for wearing a casual white dress to a bridal shower, highlighting the importance of understanding etiquette and decency.
: I attended a bridal shower for my friend’s future daughter-in-law. Little did I know that I was going to be raked over the coals by my daughter and her friends for wearing a casual white dress.
My daughter called me selfish, and her friends stated that if it was their shower, they would purposefully spill red wine on my dress. I am clearly not the bride, nor will I outshine the bride. This “rule” did not exist when I was married in the 1990s. I would have never told someone what they could wear unless it was a rule from the event venue.
Well, it wouldn’t take much to outshine this bride as a human being. Or her supporters — including your daughter, unfortunately. They are doing what etiquette is falsely accused of doing: insisting on the letter of the law without regard to extenuating circumstances, much less to human decency. And of course they are going a step beyond by suggesting that this supposed infraction be punished not by the snobbish, withering looks they attribute to etiquette, but by violence.
To make the situation even more ludicrous, they are doing this in ignorance of the rule they seek to enforce. In fact, etiquette has not extended the bridal white convention to cover any events other than the wedding itself. Nor does it allow dictating specific dress instructions, other than establishing a general standard of formality. More importantly, it does not suspend the need for decent behavior for bridal couples and their cohorts.
The popular concept that “it is their day and they can do whatever they want” is responsible for a lot of atrocious behavior, of which you have given an example. [The red wine punishment came up recently inMy teenager has begun using a fragrance product that is so potent that the entire house reeks. It’s really unpleasant. I will need to address this, but I don’t want to offend this genuinely nice, and quite sensitive, young person.
I’ m thinking of claiming allergies, but would greatly appreciate guidance as to how to approach this situation tactfully. Do you really think that if you falsely claimed an allergy, your child would not find you out? Miss Manners considers it wiser to point out that many people do have allergies or objections to strong odors, and that one never knows whom one might be offending.
Within the family, you should be entitled to the small request that they honor your admittedly arbitrary objection. You may be sure that they will then search for some harmless habit of yours to object to, but as you are the parent of a teenager, you doubtless know how to negotiate a truce.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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