Advice from Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin.
My in-laws and I are opposites on a cellular level when it comes to hosting. It ends up making me feel uncomfortable every time we get together, even if it’s just for very small, informal family gatherings.
I was taught to set a date and time and let invitees know in advance. The host chooses the menu, and the guests may offer to bring something. You might bring home leftovers of the dish you brought, or you can leave them for the host. On the other hand, my in-laws will wait until a day or two before a special date, then seemingly remember it ought to be celebrated. This is a headache for holidays when we need to coordinate with my family as well, and has led to the impression that my husband and I prioritize my family, who have set a date and time weeks in advance. As for their menu, it’s typically not set until the guests have arrived. I get quizzed on what I would like to eat, down to which type of noodle I would prefer and would my kids like their cucumbers peeled or unpeeled. Someone usually has to run to the store for a missing ingredient. When I leave their house, they drill me equally well about which leftovers I would like, how much of those leftovers, and what else from the fridge can they send home. From their perspective, this consideration is very generous. But as a guest, I don’t want to decide what they serve or offend anyone by not taking leftover noodles. When invited to our house, they request, “Can you make the cheesy potatoes?” and afterward they ask, “Can I take the potatoes home?” which seems rude to me. They probably think I’m being stingy for not wanting to make the cheesy potatoes or offering them yogurt that’s about to expire from my fridge. Are they generous and I’m stingy? Or are they rude and indecisive? And knowing neither party is likely to change, how can I better navigate these awkward differences in the future?Etiquette neither knows nor cares who is generous and who is stingy, and indecisive and rude are not opposites. But you have come to the right place to ask how to navigate these differences.There will need to be a division, stating which family is responsible for which festivity each year. On your birthday , your rules will govern, and the in-laws will be told the date months in advance. On your sister-in-law’s birthday, her rules will govern. You will learn the date in enough time not to miss little Liam’s school play and to separate the lasagna noodles from linguini before the meal. Everyone will be understanding when they have to be to preserve the peace. Even if you have to let them have the expiring yogurt. As to how this grand deal is to be brokered, Miss Manners recommends that that be left to your husband and his sibling, as they are the most familiar with how to survive under both regimes.Miss Manners, written by Judith Martin and her two perfect children, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Marin, has chronicled the continuous rise and fall of American manners since 1978. Send your questions to dearmissmanners@gmail.com.Dear Annie: How to celebrate a loved one when their plans are out of your budgetAnchorage’s Downtown Hope Center wants to buy office building, expand job training
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