Plus: My daughter’s mother-in-law was acting concerned, but I know better.
: I usually run in the morning through a particular park and am in the habit of greeting the park’s other patrons, who are all much older than me.
I noticed that if I don’t say hello, they don’t look up from their walk to greet me. However, if I do, they always give me a bright smile and a hello. : Greeting each other is a custom among hikers, but no actual rule requires runners to offer greetings — though it is gracious. Others may simply have had more on their minds or been less aware of their surroundings, whichever way you prefer to think of it.
But you know that they appreciate your greetings. : My daughter married a very nice man 18 months ago. We have had some contact with the in-laws, and are friendly. The mother-in-law tends to be very negative, and is known to say unkind things about whoever isn’t present.
I ran into her while shopping, and she went into how she was worried about my daughter: She looks sad, she looks sick, she looks worried … I changed the subject after saying she was fine. If I didn’t know the mother-in-law’s history, I’d think that she was just concerned. But I know what she is like. How do I tactfully tell this woman that commenting about my family to me is off-limits?
I know she’ll be insulted anyway, and she is known to hang onto this sort of thing, but I need her to know. : Why? Miss Manners could remind you that it is impolite to criticize another person’s behavior — which is what you propose. But as you’ve just said, it will also make the mother-in-law angry, causing her to talk more.
And it will not change her behavior. Better to do what you did, which is to blithely assert that your daughter is happy and healthy — and then change the subject. : I have a friend who persists in inviting herself over to my house. I would be extremely hesitant to propose to even a very close friend that I should be a guest at their house without first receiving an invitation.
Even more surprising to me, when I display resistance to the idea, she persists, something that I find amazing. When I have agreed, she invites others also. Am I totally out of date on manners? Rather than pressing a friend to conform to my wishes on such matters, I always am careful to give others space to decline gracefully.
: But you have a rude friend. Miss Manners does not therefore mean to suggest that you can be rude back, but neither does this require an endless variety of responses. You can say, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that,” the first time, and perhaps the second. After that, when asked why not, or when it would work — and on and on — the answer is simply, “We just can’t.
” Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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