A parent is concerned that a niece with facial piercings, underarm hair and tattoos will be a distraction at their son’s wedding.
I have a niece, Maya, who has been estranged from the family since her teens. After five years, she’s now returned, wanting to be near family. We are trying to get to know her again, as she is not the same child we knew — pretty much a stranger. She was a beautiful, smart young lady when she left, but now states she will live as a hippie. Her mom supports this. She has facial piercings, full underarm hair and multiple visible tattoos. We don’t agree with her life choices, but remain silent.
The struggle is with my son’s upcoming wedding. Maya is excited to attend, but my son is afraid she will dress in a way that her underarm hair and tattoos will be on display. He is concerned that, 1. She will become a spectacle and bring attention to herself with her appearance, and 2. Someone will remark on her appearance and he will have to defend her on the biggest day of his life. Our whole family is anxious about this. We are a professional family, and our lifestyle reflects that.
It’s not that we don’t care about her; we are trying to learn about and love her, but this is not a way of life that society generally accepts. I am beginning to resent that she came back into our lives after her absence, expecting us to approve of her presentation and conduct. Please, we would appreciate any advice on how to address this. We don’t want to hurt her, but the attention should be on my beautiful daughter-in-law, not the hippie cousin.
Never mind. Miss Manners will try to calm you down by pointing out the unlikelihood of the scene you envision. The appearance you describe is not that unusual in today's society. The chance that everyone will be gawking at her and ignoring the bride is about zero. There is a greater chance that many of them have relatives whose styles differ from their own.What worries Miss Manners more is how alienated you all are by your relative's looks. You are never going to accept her, much less love her, if you cannot see beyond that.
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