In that instant, I knew.
The blood began flowing before I arrived in California. I first noticed it on a flight from New York to San Francisco, at the point in my pregnancy when the need to pee was near-constant. In the airplane bathroom, I dragged toilet paper across myself and when I looked down, the paper was brown. I peered into the wad and thought, “Huh.” It seemed weird but explicable—well within the realm of things that can happen in the course of a healthy pregnancy.
Before the trip, I’d planned my outfits carefully. Sandals that evoked Greece. Blue and white stripes reminiscent of the south of France. Flowing dresses that signaled Stevie Nicks. When I unpacked, I hung those dozen or so items in a walk-in closet bigger than my Brooklyn bedroom. I gave every hanger wide berth, at least six inches on each side.
“Do you think I’m stealing the baby’s strength?” I asked Emmett. “Like it’s dying and I’m taking its power?” Back in the car, I felt stranger than I ever had. Just as, when Emmett asked me to marry him, I’d reflexively repeated “Are you serious?” a few dozen times, now I kept saying, “I can’t believe it.” And I scarcely could. The horrible pit of worry, the blood and cramps, the collective wisdom of the internet—they all pointed to a miscarriage. But a heartbeat said otherwise.
The next day, we resumed our road trip, driving south toward Los Angeles. By then my pain had calmed and the bleeding had slowed, so when I stopped in Santa Barbara to have my pregnancy hormone levels tested, I was seeking reassurance rather than readying myself for the worst. I hoped that in 48 hours, the clinic would call my doctor who would call me to say that everything was fine. That this baby would somehow come through all of this intact.
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