A 5-year-old is envious of everything her little sister has and does. What’s a parent to do?
Thank you for writing in; almost every parent of two or more children will deal with some jealousy between siblings, so know that you are not alone. And while sibling jealousy can be fairly typical, it can also cause serious damage in families. Ask a few people about sibling jealousy, and you will hear terrible stories of anger and heartbreak. Worst of all, these immature jealousies can easily bloom into rivalries that ruin sibling relationships.
It’s also important that you know that you can “equally” parent your two children, and jealousy still occurs. You can literally measure out amounts of snacks and count turns, for instance, and jealousy blooms. Why? Because parents are the sun that children orbit and once there is more than one planet, competition can ensue. It’s a simple numbers game.
The second part of my advice that may feel contradictory is that you don’t need to fix the unfairness, even when the children are quite upset. By staying quiet and allowing the storms to pass, you are helping your children build resilience. Every time you lecture or explain , you are subverting your child’s ability to adapt. And if you change what you’re doing to accommodate and make things “fair,” this is when “spoiling the child” comes in.
If you keep your relationship strong with both children, not only will they adapt to the inherent unfairness of life, but they will grow and thrive because of it. By focusing on relationship, communication and problem-solving instead of pleasing, explaining or fixing, you play a longer and more satisfying parenting journey. Good luck.
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