The safety offered in long-term relationships can quietly diminish passion. Here’s what you can do about it.
Passion can spikes when something's at stake: uncertainty, novelty, and the possibility of being truly “seen.”Passion returns when we invite vulnerability and risk back into the bedroom.,” “We want our sex life to feel like it did when we first met,” or “I’m having an affair and I know it’s wrong but don’t want to end it” are comments I hear fairly regularly in myroom.
For so many people, lust shows up faster in these situations, and it can feel more primal. Why? Because there’s uncertainty, exposure, and vulnerability in all of these experiences — emotions that can be diminished by safety and trust. Simply put, desire wakes up when there’s risk in the room. This is why it’s easier to feel excited in a new relationship: The relationship is unpredictable, which creates a sense of vulnerability and sparks excitement, which in turn allows for more vulnerability and even more excitement. It’s a powerful, intoxicating feedback loop. At least, for a while. Unfortunately, the opposite cycle is also true. In long-term love, we usually work hard to make everything feel safer and more predictable. Unfortunately, this comfortable emotional state can make it harder to create the sense of risk and vulnerability that feeds passion. When lovers know each other well, and trust their partner, and they’ve enjoyed all the creativeexperiences they are willing to try, then the risk is gone. They feel less vulnerable, and thus less lustful. When they are less lustful, and less willing to be vulnerable, sexual touch feels intrusive and leads to more closure, which makes passion that much more elusive. Particularly for women, vulnerability helps unlock passion, but passion is also necessary to unlock vulnerability. But again, allowing for this vulnerability is super-challenging if she’s not feeling lustful already. It is here when women say things like “I don’t know what feels good,” precisely because very little feels good when she’s not comfortable feeling sexually open and vulnerable. It’s often the reason I hear women say things like, “I used to like it when my husband went down on me, but I don’t like it anymore.” Some couples counteract this dynamic by introducing sexual novelty: new positions, toys, lingerie, a weekend away. Those can definitely help, but they can’t always fully address what’s really missing: feelings of vulnerability, risk and exposure.Affairs, like new relationships, can bring passion roaring back. In an affair, the stakes are obvious, the risk is real, and the longing amplified. In therapy, people say that their affair makes them feel more awake and alive. Even when they’re ashamed of their behavior, and even when they’re scared, the mix of novelty and exposure can feel powerfully compelling. But this is also why affairs typically age just as other relationships do: Once vulnerability lessens and predictability grows, passion diminishes.Porn can tap a different, but related channel. People become closed when they feel over-exposed — that is, when they feel too much vulnerability. In some situations, porn gives people access to experiences andthat would make them feel too vulnerable to share with a human lover. They can explore the “unexplorable” without feeling over-exposed, risking someone else’s reactions or judgments of them. They can thus experience the lust they long for without taking the risk that stings the most: being rejected in your most vulnerable moments.The couples who revive passion aren’t always the most “adventurous.” They’re the ones willing to bring vulnerability back into the room. That might meanwith your partner even when you don’t feel perfectly confident, letting desire show on your face, naming a want instead of implying it, or allowing a more intense emotional tone, not just a different technique. It also tends to work better when both both people are on board. When couples decide together to experiment with a little more exposure, dynamics can shift. This is one reason some couples are drawn to practices like. For many, the draw is the intensity created by deliberate exposure: giving up control, taking control, being watched closely, being “read,” feeling the emotional vulnerability inherent in the dynamics of powerlessness and surrender.Sexual stimulation outside the relationship is getting easier to access, and it asks very little of us emotionally. Sex tech — whether that’s VR porn, interactive cam experiences, or sexting with a chatbot — can meet certain needs quickly and privately. This doesn’t mean that tech is the villain. It just means the easier option is always nearby. If couples don’t understand that partnered passion often requires active effort to create risk and willingness to feel exposed, it’s easy to misread normal long-term changes as “we lost it,” while a low-effort alternative quietly fills the gap.Long-term desire isn’t doomed. But it isn’t automatic either. Passion often returns when we’re willing to allow a little risk into the bedroom, and thus feel more exposed with each other again.is a clinical psychologist, diplomate in sex therapy, author, and lecturer with over 20 years of experience working with couples. She is the author ofSelf Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Lifetime alcohol use linked to higher risk of colorectal cancer, new study findsConsistent heavy drinking may raise cancer risk more than previously understood.
Read more »
Houston at risk of pipe bursts as extreme cold warning continues through TuesdayHouston is facing the risk of pipe bursts due to record-cold temperatures expected through Tuesday.
Read more »
Major winter storm brings warnings about heart attack risk of shoveling snowCardiologists say shoveling snow can increase a person's risk of experiencing a heart attack.
Read more »
Race-Ready Strength: Quads and Calves WorkoutBuilding up these key running muscles improves performance while lowering injury risk.
Read more »
Grant County cat dies from 'highly pathogenic' bird flu, WSDA emphasizes riskThe WSDA advises pet owners to take precautions to reduce the risk of exposure.
Read more »
Rappel du Volkswagen ID.4 pour risques d'incendie | Actualités automobileVolkswagen rappelle 44 551 ID.4 aux États-Unis et 8662 au Canada en raison d'un risque d'incendie lié à la batterie à haute tension.
Read more »