A 28-year-old woman writes to Annie Lane, seeking advice on her relationship with her 31-year-old boyfriend, Charles. She feels emotionally disconnected from him and finds herself drawn to a coworker, Mark, who is the opposite of Charles in terms of personality and emotional openness. The woman wonders if she should break up with Charles and pursue a relationship with Mark or work on bridging the emotional gap in her current relationship.
Published: Feb. 12, 2025, 5:33 a.m.Dear Annie: I really need help. I’m a 28-year-old woman living in New York City. For the past three years, I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, Charles. He’s 31, works in tech and is super ambitious. We met in college, and while we’ve always gotten along well, I’ve started to notice some major differences between us as we’ve gotten older. To give you some context, I’m someone who craves emotional connection.
I love having deep conversations, spending quality time together and doing activities that foster closeness, like cooking together or hiking. But Charles is more of an introvert. He enjoys his alone time, often retreats into his hobbies (video games, reading sci-fi and sometimes coding for fun) and is more of a “let’s watch a movie in silence” type of person. At first, I thought it was just the “honeymoon phase” wearing off, but I’m starting to feel lonely in our relationship. I’ve tried to communicate my needs, but he always says he’s “fine” and that I shouldn’t worry. It’s like he can’t really understand where I’m coming from. I’ve suggested we try couples therapy, but he’s reluctant, saying we don’t need it. Things got even more complicated when a new coworker, Mark, started to work at my office. He’s the opposite of Charles -- super outgoing, very emotionally open and we get along like peas in a pod. The chemistry between us is undeniable, and I’ve found myself fantasizing about what it would be like to be with someone who actually understands me. I haven’t told Charles about how distant I’m feeling, and I definitely haven’t mentioned my growing attraction to Mark. Part of me feels guilty for even thinking about it, but another part of me wonders if I’m just settling for a relationship that no longer serves me. So here’s my question: Am I just going through a phase? Should I break up with Charles and pursue a relationship with Mark? Or do I owe it to him (and myself) to work on the relationship and see if we can bridge this emotional gap? I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I’m feeling confused and stuck. -- Need Hel
Relationship Advice Emotional Disconnect Introvert Extrovert Infidelity Communication Couples Therapy
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