Critically endangered loggerhead turtles have rebounded from the brink of extinction thanks to an unprecedented surge in mating activity. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) credits their fervent fucking for their remarkable recovery.
CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles —marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.
“The bottom line is that they knew they were in a big hole,” Demato continued. “So, what did they do? They bared down and fucked themselves right out of it.” By 2007, after fucking like their lives depended on it for four straight years, IUCN officials moved the species from “critically endangered” to “vulnerable.” After another six years of solid, nonstop fucking, the species reportedly blew by “conservation dependent” status and is now labeled as “near threatened.”
“There was a brief period there when it seemed like they just couldn’t fuck anymore and were getting tired of courting prospective mates by constantly producing cloacal pheromones and circling one another,” Demato said. “But just when we thought they couldn’t fuck any more, they dug deep and, with whatever they had left in the tank, began fucking each other’s brains out harder and faster than ever before.
EXTINCTION REPRODUCTION CONSERVATION LOGGERHEAD TURTLES OCEANIC TURTLES
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