Relationship experts explain limerence vs. love—plus, the red flags to watch out for when a crush feels all-consuming.
Meeting someone new can be thrilling—so much so that you catch yourself daydreaming about the relationship before it’s even begun. You barely know them, yet you’re already fast-forwarding to your imagined compatibility, obsessing over your potential as a power couple, and embracing fluttery, heart-racing sensations as if, after one or two dates, you’re in love.
That early, all-consuming infatuation might sound like the kind of romance you see in fairytales. In most cases, though, what you’re more likely experiencing is “limerence.” “It's not just having a crush,” Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based psychotherapist at Bustan Therapy, tells SELF. “It's like a full body, full brain phenomenon, where you have hopes, fears, fantasies—a very biochemical craving with lots of highs and lows.” Essentially, you’re not in love with the person you just met; you’re drawn to the idea of them. In the whirlwind of early attraction, limerence can look a lot like what cheesy rom-coms sell as “love at first sight.” However, experts say this differs from true, healthy, and reciprocal love that grows from actually knowing each other—not projecting your ideals onto a promising crush. Here are the biggest warning signs of limerence to look out for. 1. You immediately put them on a pedestal. Chances are, you probably aren’t “in love” with someone you’ve only gone on one date with. And when you don’t have much real information about who they are, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with fantasies—imagining their personality, intentions, or emotional depth based on very little evidence. “Essentially, you’re idolizing them and seeing them as perfect,” Afkhami says, which can blind you from their flaws or red flags. Maybe you’re convinced you’re special just because they double-texted. Or you’re deeply invested in the idea of an elaborate Valentine’s Day date, while ignoring the reality that they’ve been giving you the bare minimum. In these moments of limerence, you’re attached to who you think they are, not who they actually are. 2. You’re drawn to the chase. One of the hallmarks of limerence is that it thrives on uncertainty. “Inconsistent feedback, for example, often exacerbates limerence,” Silva Depanian, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist at Avedian Counseling Center, tells SELF. You don’t quite know where you stand, whether they like you back, or how things will turn out—which is why you might be more drawn to someone when they pull away, or even lose interest once they reciprocate your feelings. While that “rush” can be exhilarating at first, Depanian says it’s also what separates limerence from healthy love, which tends to grow through mutual interest and effort rather than mixed signals. 3. You’re seeking novelty more than a relationship. “When you’re feeling bored with your life, which usually comes from a perceived lack of purpose or direction, there aren’t many things pulling your attention,” Afkhami explains. “So that makes it easy for limerence, an all-consuming bond, to take over.” Suddenly, a person you barely know occupies most of your thoughts—not necessarily because you like them, but because there’s little else providing drama, excitement, or stimulation in your life. In this case, then, the intensity may be less about them and more about a need for distraction. 4. You feel amazing—or awful—depending on their availability. With healthy love, your crush might influence your mood, but they won’t completely dictate it. Limerence, on the other hand, turns even minor interactions into make-or-break moments, Depanian says. A spontaneous “good morning” text, as low-effort as that is, can feel euphoric enough to lift a bad day instantly; meanwhile, a delayed reply or rescheduled plan might be enough to trigger extreme swings of anxiety, disappointment, and panic. 5. You can’t focus on anything else. We’re not talking about the occasional daydream. With limerence, fantasies about the person become invasive and persistent—so much so that they derail not only your mood, but also your focus, productivity, and daily routine. Some common red flags include rearranging your entire schedule for last-minute plans or underperforming at your job because you’re spending hours spiraling over their vague text. “Even when you’re working, socializing, or trying to relax, your mind keeps moving back to them at the expense of your own well-being,” Depanian explains. How to stop limerence Of course, recognizing that an obsessive attachment is unhealthy usually isn’t enough to make strong feelings disappear. “Limerence doesn’t have an off switch, but it can be softened with intentional effort over time,” Depanian says. “One of the easiest things to do is reduce reinforcement”—meaning, resist your urges to check their social media , reread messages, or analyze every interaction. Being more objective about their behaviors can also help: Sure, the idea of calling them your partner might sound exciting, but have they shown consistent effort or expressed any interest in real commitment? Learning to separate fantasy from reality can be uncomfortable, especially for hopeless romantics. But ultimately, it’ll save you from the heartbreak that comes from falling for the idea of someone—not who they truly are. Related: 5 Signs You’re a ‘Serial Monogamist,’ According to Relationship Therapists Does the ‘Taxi Cab Theory’ for Love Hold Up in Real Life? Are You in a ‘Scorekeeping Relationship’? Get more of SELF’s practical relationship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
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