The end to ignoring, blaming, shaming, and hating each other begins with owning moments of thought, feeling, and action. We can and should learn how.
Research points to self-focused action in reaction to others’ needs when the pressure is on.Imagine you are standing on a busy street corner. You watch as a holy person asked this very question in their classic experimental test of the “Good Samaritan” parable from the Christian Bible.
You will watch others doing the maladaptive things they do and will make all sorts of judgments, draw conclusions, and assign labels. Some of those may indeed be helpful, but the question is whether we are capturing thepicture, or whether we may be leaving out crucial factors that would really help the moment of communication in our relationship unfold toward connection and positive creation.
The same applies to all my relationships, not just the ones I get paid for. As much as I’m clearly willing to influence my patients, I must ask whether I’m willing to be influenced by them, by my friends, family members, and even the person asking for spare change on the street. I must turn and face the whole of my experience of them.
Obviously, we want to do the best communicating, connecting, and positive impacting possible, and it is not easy to acknowledge when this might not always be the case. While it may not feel good to acknowledge your “unhelpful” reactions in the past, you should take solace in knowing those answers ofto these questions are the norm, not the exception. We all struggle with strong feelings about relationship communication on an almost daily basis. We all stumble in managing these experiences.
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