Keeping score in a relationship may give you a sense of control, but it’s just an unhealthy defense mechanism. Here’s how to put the whistle down.
We’ve all been there: Maybe you have a friend you always text first to hang out. Or you feel like your partner doesn’t notice that you’re usually the one who plans date night. While all relationships ebb and flow, it’s only human to be aware of our own work and effort—and to compare it to others’.
But while noticing these patterns can be normal, it can quickly become unhealthy when the care we put into a relationship is conditional to what we receive in return. This is called “scorekeeping,” and it can be understood as “mentally tracking effort to figure out whether care and attention is being reciprocated,” Lisa Chen, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based couples therapist, tells SELF. Whether you’re comparing how often you do the dishes, who apologies first after a fight, or even who initiates sex more, scorekeeping can come up in all sorts of ways. Noticing these patterns might not be inherently harmful to a relationship. But when “consideration and kindness become a litmus test rather than an expression of care,” Chen says, “the relationship may start to feel transactional instead of relational.” Sound familiar? You might be wondering what the scorekeeping in your relationship says about you. Here are a few things to consider. Why do we feel the need to keep score in the first place? Keeping score can feel self-protective. Relationships open us up to our own vulnerabilities, and it can be easier to stay vigilant for potential hurt down the line than to name a deeper fear of being unseen. “If early relationships with caregivers had praise, attention, or safety that depended on performance, compliance, or sacrifice, this can create the same dynamic in adult relationships,” says relationship therapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT. We all want to feel loved and special. And while sometimes keeping score can reveal one-sidedness in relationships, more often it “becomes a way to create proof that something is off or wrong—especially in relationships where effort feels uneven over time,” Wright tells SELF. While your mind uses scorekeeping to prove that your partner is the “bad guy,” it can also show you the parts of a relationship where you might already feel vulnerable to being unimportant. Some of us might find ourselves keeping score over tangible actions, like doing chores. Others might find mental tallying come up more around emotional labor. Scorekeeping can show us the areas in our relationships where we put in significant effort or “where we might be especially sensitive to feeling desired or special,” Chen says. In other words, although scorekeeping can feel like it’s about preserving fairness, it’s actually a defense mechanism, trying to answer the question: “Do I matter?” Chen explains. If you already feel unseen, scorekeeping can create more distance. Noticing and then communicating when you feel underappreciated or sense an imbalance in effort can be a sign of a healthy relationship. What makes scorekeeping different is when effort turns into expectations and resentment that aren’t ever addressed out loud. Now, here’s where things get interesting: While scorekeeping can give the illusion of protecting both yourself and the relationship, it often has the opposite effect: by eroding intimacy. “Ironically, the more closely a person watches for proof of care, the harder it becomes to actually feel it,” Chen says. If you are constantly looking for evidence that you matter more to someone than they do to you, it makes it easier to discount their love and effort. But it’s not just trust that can fade away from scorekeeping. Curiosity, presence, and emotional safety all come at the cost of logging who sacrifices more, Wright tells me: “You also lose the ability to assess the present moment accurately, because everything is being filtered through past grievances rather than what is actually happening now.” At the end of the day, when surveillance is the main motivation for effort in a relationship, there is not much room left to feel true connection. Instead, use communication and renegotiation to help prevent resentment. Breaking out of patterns of scorekeeping starts with better communication. “The first step is naming the imbalance directly and specifically, without framing it as a moral failure or a list of wrongdoings,” Wright says. Stressors, external circumstances, and dynamics can change all the time in relationships. So communicating about your roles can help all people feel seen without feeling the need to keep score in the background. Beyond just ensuring equity, Chen encourages clients who find themselves in a tit-for-tat dynamic to examine what they are hoping their effort in the relationship will communicate. “Often, the deeper need is to feel valued, seen, or emotionally held… to soothe their insecurity or anxiety that the other person cares as much as they do.” Being able to openly name when and where each person feels like they are carrying a heavier load can also open us up to the ways that we might not notice a partner is already putting in effort. So if you’re struggling to feel seen in your relationship, redefining your roles, opening up communication, and staying curious about your S.O. may fare better than a silent competition. Related: Modern Dating Sucks. Here’s How to Make It Fun Again Age-Gap Relationships Get a Bad Rap—but These 5 Tricks Make Them Work 5 Signs You’re a ‘Serial Monogamist,’ According to Relationship Therapists Get more of SELF’s practical relationship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
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