Here are Kimmel's best jokes at his annual roast of the broadcast industry at the Disney upfront where he tells advertisers 'you're all f***ed' due to AI.
‘s upfront presentation for his annual roast of the TV industry, which was perhaps more anticipated than ever given all the turbulence in late night over the last year.host let loose with his usual no holds barred jokes about broadcast and streaming — including his own ABC network bosses — just weeks after surviving yet another effort by President Trump to get his show canceled.
Colbert Discusses Fate of Late Night With Kimmel, Fallon, Meyers and Oliver; Reveals New 'Strike Force Five' Podcast Episode“I didn’t think I’d see you guys again either. Yeah, the bad boy of data and measurement solutions is back. ”“You know, usually in order for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend. ” “Yes, the President has tried to get me canceled over the last six months.
That’s one way to look at it. Another way, is you could also say I’ve ‘generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms. ’ Largely thanks to our partners in Washington, we are up 25 percent among viewers … it’s a big deal to have your numbers go up nowadays.
With that said, if Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he’d have gone straight under the sink and chugged all the Drain-O.” “I cost our company a lot of money this year, billions. It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me 24 years ago. Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made.
Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage. ” “I’ve had four bosses — Bob, Bob, Bob and Josh. Josh D’Amaro. As in, all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled d’amaro.
” “Do you think you can stay excited for the whole year? Because that’s the plan. This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it. We are going to spend the whole year promoting what’s already the most popular thing on Earth.
And as if the country isn’t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine’s day just to be dicks. And let me tell you what the halftime show this year is going to be: The whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town.
”last night with Stephen Colbert. As you know, CBS is turning 11:35 p.m. into a least time slot least likely to offend the President with a rerun of from 2007 featuring Paula Poundstone and Andy Dick. Poor Stephen. It’s bad enough to lose your job.
Imagine getting replaced by the owner of the Weather Channel. ” “You know, in the past, I’ve come here to mock the other network shows. It was all very competitive, but now we’re like a bunch of dirty, starving little chihuahuas under the table waiting for a chicken leg to drop. For the first time, I think ever, I am rooting for CBS.
They’ve got a lot of great returning shows, and they’ve got some great new shows.answers the question: What if LL Cool J partnered up with another white guy in a different city? …They’re also doingat night now. On the nighttime version, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a B.J. in the alley behind the studio. ” “For the first time in 18 years, CBS was not number one in total viewers.
NBC is number one. Are they saying they’re number one? Are you allowed to brag about being number one when you had the Olympics and the Super Bowl? Only if you have them again next year and you don’t.
NBC picked up“Meanwhile, poor Fox was in last place again, and their big plan to turn that around is a revival of“Now, for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know what that means, Agentic AI is a group of autonomous systems capable of planning, making decisions and executing multi step tasks to achieve specific goals with limited human supervision. And that is a fancy way of saying: You are all f–ked.
They’re going to use llm’s and API’s to f-you up the ass. ”Privacy Policy . We use vendors that may also process your information to help provide our services. // This site is protected by reCAPTCHA Enterprise and the GoogleThe Hollywood Reporter is a part of Penske Media Corporation. © 2026 The Hollywood Reporter, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
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