LOS ANGELES—Sources are now confirming that no words in the human language can possibly describe how truly unimportant the next three hours at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles actually are.
—Sources are now confirming that no words in the human language can possibly describe how truly unimportant the next three hours at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles actually are.
According to the world’s most prominent linguists, even strong words and phrases specifically designed to convey pointlessness, such as “meaningless,” “worthless,” “fucking worthless,” and “void of anything even close to resembling actual significance,” drastically fail to capture how utterly inconsequential the event now airing live on national television is.
“Typically, human language is such a powerful and malleable tool that, if one is thoughtful enough, one can use it to communicate any idea or emotion one has,” said Dr. Lawrence Sheppard, head of Harvard University’s linguistics department, adding that even if one were to plumb the depths of ancient Greek or Sanskrit, they would still not find an expression capable of describing the sheer insignificance of Tom Bergeron winning an Emmy Award.
“The gathering of television actors, writers, and producers that will take places over the next 180 minutes is so inconsequential in every way that it really shouldn’t be occurring,” Duke University historian Dr. Sharon Lynch said.
Lynch added that people who care about the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards are either very sad people, or are living lives in which they lack any understanding of what constitutes an actual important and relevant occurrence and what does not.
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