Parenting expert Adele Faber suggests that instead of scolding children when they misbehave, parents should try understanding and validating their feelings. This approach can be more effective in encouraging positive behavior changes.
When children act out, whether it's throwing a tantrum at the grocery store or refusing to get out of bed for school in the morning, it's tempting — and understandable — to want to scold them and list off all the reasons why these behaviors are not OK. Instead, parenting expert Adele Faber suggests that more parents should try listening and affirming: 'The single greatest thing that we can do as parents is to become more skilled in validation.
' When a child feels heard and not shamed for their feelings, they are more open to changing their behavior. Fleck uses this strategy with her own children. For example, instead of chastising her daughter for not wanting to do her chores, Fleck asks her to explain why she got so upset when asked to empty the dishwasher. 'She'll give me a wildly inaccurate depiction of what went down,' Fleck says.'She describes me as screaming at her and throwing things and really, I asked her to empty the dishwasher' By listening and affirming that yes, no one wants to do chores, you're stripping the conversation of judgment. Then, you can move on to telling your child why its necessary to uphold certain responsibilities. 'The point is to validate the emotion and then focus on what's not valid, which is the behavior what needs to change,' she says.Kids who are raised in environments where their emotions are consistently invalidated can start to feel shame, which isn't a productive emotion, sociologist and Columbia Business School professor Adam Galinsky says. Shame doesn't encourage critical thinking or problem solving. It's'debilitating and destabilizing,' Galinsky says. Guilt, on the other hand, can motivate kids to find a solution.'Guilt leads to repair, but shame often leads to avoidance.' By decoupling a child's feelings from their tantrum, you can show them that frustration or disappointment is inevitable, but we can always choose to act respectfully
Parenting Child Development Emotional Intelligence Validation Discipline
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