Difficult conversations are not fun—but they provide valuable opportunities for growth, resilience, and connection.
Conflict is an opportunity for resilience: Once you do something hard, you know that you can do it again.Do you avoid difficult conversations, at home or at work, even when you see no other way to resolve an ongoing problem? If you do, you’re not alone.
According to a recent study, people in troubled relationships delay an average of 2.68 years before beginning couplesis at the root of most of our conflict avoidance. We’re scared of damaging relationships—as well as our own reputation. We’re scared that having the conversation will make things worse. We’re scared of experiencing the pain and discomfort of conflict.As the ombudsperson for a mentoring program, my job is to hear and help resolve complaints. One of the most common complaints is about mentors or mentees being unavailable or unresponsive. By the fourth similar complaint, I regarded myself as an expert. As soon as I heard about the mentor who stood up their mentee for a planned meeting, I had a solid theory in mind about what had happened and how to fix it. I still asked the questions I always asked, expecting them to confirm my theory:But the answers surprised me. They were completely different from what I had imagined. The same thing happened the fifth time, and the sixth and seventh. I have now handled well over a dozen of these complaints. I still start the conversation with a theory in mind—only now I know my theory will be invariably wrong. And the more tough conversations I have, the more I understand that human problems don’t have cookie-cutter solutions. Every situation is different because every person is different. Each time, I learn from the person I’m talking to about how they see the world and how their experiences have shaped them. Each difficult conversation expands my understanding of people and how we communicate—and reminds me that I’ll never have the answers. I just have to keep reaching out and keep listening.In their article “The Three Axioms of Resilience,” psychologists George A. Bonanno and Maren Westphal discuss how a “flexibility mindset” helps us develop resilience in the face of distressing events.Consider the situation, and identify your goal in dealing with it.Reflect on how well your strategy worked, and decide whether to continue or change it. When you have the urge to avoid a difficult conversation, think about the situation . Imagine you could feel completely safe and comfortable having the conversation. In this situation, would it be in your best interest to have the conversation? If the answer is yes, that's an indication that you may be avoiding the discomfort of a conflict worth having.If you decide that having the conversation is in your best interest, but you’re still having trouble pushing yourself toward it, then move on to step 2. Approach the conversation with the goal of growing, connecting, and resolving the problem together. And then in step 3, look back on the conversation after you’re done. Think about not just the outcome of the conversation itself, but how it felt to engage instead of avoiding. Using this process, every difficult conversation becomes a chance to practice and develop your skills. And each time, you will find it a little easier, knowing you have done it before.Most conversations are light, about everyday topics. A difficult conversation is hefty. You’re not talking about the weather; you’re talking about what you want and need, and what you are willing to do. And you’re trying to get the other person to respond. It takes some vulnerability on both sides.Vulnerability means potential for harm. If the person you’re talking to dismisses your concerns or treats you with disrespect, you may emerge from the conversation feeling beaten down.On the flip side, when you can emerge from the conversation with your dignity intact, you also emerge having a stronger connection with the other person. You both had to be vulnerable and were able to trust each other. You both endured discomfort, but persisted through an important discussion. You’ve built your mutual capacity to raise issues and work through them in the future. The next time your instinct is to shrink from a difficult conversation, pause for a moment. Notice the fear you’re experiencing, and ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Then remind yourself that the conversation you’re dreading isn’t just a source of fear. It’s also an opportunity for growth, resilience, and connection. Instead of shrinking away from the fear, move toward the opportunity.Bonanno GA, Westphal M. The three axioms of resilience. J Trauma Stress. 2024 Oct;37:717-723. doi: 10.1002/jts.23071. Epub 2024 Jun 5. PMID: 38840482. Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK. How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. J Marital Fam Ther. 2021 Oct;47:882-890. doi: 10.1111/jmft.12479. Epub 2021 Jan 7. PMID: 33411353. Van Gramberg, B., Teicher, J., Bamber, G. J., & Cooper, B. . Employee Voice, Intention to Quit, and Conflict Resolution: Evidence from Australia.Self Tests are all about you. Are you outgoing or introverted? Are you a narcissist? Does perfectionism hold you back? Find out the answers to these questions and more with Psychology Today.
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