“I ask that, in lieu of flowers, you please celebrate my life in the way you always have—by sending Amazon gift cards.”
Adding and then removing unisex rubber clogs from my cart. Annually purchasing counterfeit iPhone chargers that soon became fire hazards.
I was the life of the party. You knew that my favorite song was the doorbell chime ringing out, announcing a new stack of blue-and-black-taped, side-smirking cardboard boxes, delivered to me promptly by a man who peed in a Pepsi bottle to meet the day’s quota. You can picture me even now, wrapped in a jewel-toned sherpa-fleece weighted blanket. A near-duplicate of one made by someone paid a living wage. Half the price, too. Score.
I wouldn’t want to see you crying. God needed another angel. God needed a deal. God forgave me for displacing low-income residents on my path to a combination dog-camera treat-tosser.
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