There would be no value to friendship if we formed it with just anyone, writes advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith, but friendship doesn’t have to mean mutual enmeshment
‘When you do have to move on, that needn’t mean you made a mistake: you tried a friendship, it didn’t work. Arguably better to try too many than too few.’ Painting: Francois Clouet, Le Billet Doux, c. 1570.‘When you do have to move on, that needn’t mean you made a mistake: you tried a friendship, it didn’t work. Arguably better to try too many than too few.’ Painting: Francois Clouet, Le Billet Doux, c. 1570.
When I was a kid and was moving to a new school, a very genial doctor I happened to have an appointment with told me, “don’t befriend anyone who tries to be your friend on the first day. They’re the ones who don’t have any friends.” I was, in a mini kind of way, scandalised.
But you want to avoid two possible hazards. One is too hastily ruling people out. The risk with any “discernment” policy is that it will select for superficial characteristics, the kind you can see on a first impression. These don’t always track what makes people good friends – things it takes time to reveal or treasure.