The fact that I was shocked by a freak accident, the kind that stole my husband less than two years ago, produced a new kind of survivor’s guilt.
On Sunday, it was 40 degrees out and I was waiting for a train in Cold Spring, New York. I was ill-prepared and freezing, wearing Jeff’s lightweight Patagonia jacket and my own T-shirt underneath, clumsily tucking my icy fingers into the sleeves that stretch below my knuckles . It was the end of a day following what had been our regular Sunday itinerary: a hike, a local beer, a walk down a little town’s main drag before confronting the Sunday scaries awaiting us in the city.
Capitol Hill staffer and newlywed dog dad was fighting for his life in ways no one wants to imagine. Thirty-six hours later, their phones would vibrate again with the news that he didn’t make it. My Mr. Invincible was gone. Sudden deaths of the kind that took Kobe and my husband ― fatal accidents during otherwise mundane activities that turn horribly wrong ― are rare. But they happen. “Shocked” would not be the reaction I’d expect from myself. Sudden death runs through my brain all the time, draining me even when I don’t quite realize it or want to admit it. It now defines me in many ways. I’m wise enough to know that to many, or maybe to all, I’m not just Kaylie anymore.
I certainly haven’t ‘moved on’ ― I never will. But I have slowly, messily and painfully moved forward. I’m also not normal, and neither is my ‘situation,’ as I awkwardly call it. But parts of my life are.
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