I went through many phases of grief, despair, anger, hurt, disbelief, and shame.
It tells the story of my evolution, my becoming more than I could have been without the scar. It tells a story of a mother’s love that is so powerful and fierce that I had to find a way to accept with grace my child’s decision. The scar does tell of loss. For both of us. But it also tells of the ability of the human spirit to survive and thrive after tremendous loss.
If you ask me about the story of my thumb, I would tell you that I was gripping the glass too tightly and it shattered. If you ask me to tell you the story of the scar on my heart, I would tell you that having my daughter ripped away from me caused the greatest pain in my life. But through years of working on myself, I have learned how to hold her loosely. Gripping too tightly causes more pain.
So now the wound is healed. I carry my child in my heart with tenderness, love and delight, as I think about all the joy she brought to my life in her first 18 years. I would rather have loved her with all my heart and lost her than never loved her at all. The scar will always be a reminder that I held her once. Now I hold her — loosely — in my heart. She is allowed to fly free, and I am free, too. Free to love her from afar. Free to live my life with joy, despite my loss.
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