I had sex 4 weeks after giving birth—
that I spent close to $100 on a makeshift repair kit: plus- size adult diapers, perineum-shaped ice packs, and Tucks antiseptic wipes. Although labour was an insane thirty-six hours, with an epidural that ONLY froze my legs , my vagina somehow came out of it relatively unscathed.
By week three, I felt ready to party again. My midwife said I should wait to have sex until week six to avoid infection, but on week four, baby and I took an afternoon walk to our local drugstore and found ourselves standing in the condom aisle. Feeling like a sheepish teenager perusing the possibilities of protection, I grabbed a dozen “thin silk” lubricated condoms. I purchased a chocolate bar and some cleaning products too, to make my checkout a little less awkward for everyone involved.
I took a long look at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t a slender gal to begin with, so I wasn’t so much saddened by the extra pounds I had put on during pregnancy as I was disturbed by the way they now positioned themselves on my body. My chub, previously full and tight, now looked like flesh-coloured bread loaves. My nipples had starburst over my breasts without any clearly definitive ending points.
I found a pair of sexy underwear. As I was trying to hike them up, my hands literally ripped through the lace as if I were The Incredible Hulk. NEXT. I found another pair and managed to get fully inside of them, only to realize that they made my butt look like it was holding its breath. NEXT. I finally found a plain, black-cotton thong. It was so old that the crotch was just a few threads held together by luck and magic, but at least it fit.
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