Dear How to Do It: Years after our affair, my coworker reappeared. But something is very wrong.
Although I’ve had several relationships since then, I’ve always believed he was my one and only. I never entirely got over it. We stayed in contact over the years, and last summer, he emailed to let me know that his wife had died. I sent my condolences as I would to any friend and thought no more about it. But a couple of months ago, he called to say he wanted to get together and see if we could reignite what we once had.
That said, some people aren’t interested in sex. Sometimes that’s lifelong, and other times it’s temporary or begins later in life. You might inquire, gently and from a position of curiosity, how his interest in sex waned. Details on this might help you understand that it isn’t about you—he’s been living this way for 20 years. You weren’t in his life again until a couple of months ago. Obviously this happened prior to your reconnection.
Broad categories like “into feet” can be useful for situations where speed and efficiency dominate, like apps. And they can be conversation starters. But if we want to get what we want, we almost always have to have a more detailed discussion. It’ll help if you can frame what you’re hoping for in positive terms. Something like, “I like to touch and occasionally suck well-groomed feet as part of sex.” Put it in your own words.
I have had an ”ooh, he’s cute” crush on one of our co-workers for several years—it was a fleeting, occasional thought, not a real problem. But once my husband started swinging, and an male-female-male encounter was on the table, my crush became stronger. Then we went remote again for the pandemic, and not seeing him cooled my crush down. Now, though, it’s back, and it’s bad. Like I-can’t-breathe-when-I-see-him bad. Invasive, distracting, graphic NSFW thoughts pop into my head constantly.
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