A mid-thirties crisis of confidence left one British Vogue editor feeling lost – here’s how she bounced back
VogueWhen I married Ben, it felt like the moment I had been building up to for years. It was – in a mere 24 hours – my adult peak. I was 33 and deliriously happy, but had already started to struggle with my identity. After the wedding, it seemed to me that I was no longer a person of interest. The big day was over, the excitement had gone and the deal was officially sealed. What next? Within a year, our son Sebastian was born . Although I didn’t know it at the time, I’d hit rock bottom.
It was while I was on maternity leave that I landed my dream job. It was a real glimmer of hope: I had more to offer than just being a mum. That said, soon after I started in the role, I became withdrawn and totally lost any confidence I once had. I felt like I was going to be found out, told thathad made a mistake in hiring me, and I quickly took on a head-down mentality, retreating further into myself.
Paloma has given me some homework to begin the process of rewiring my thought patterns. She wants me to journal questions such as, “What makes you feel confident?” and, “What stops you feeling confident?” – things that I feel slightly embarrassed to answer. Still, ideas soon flow. There’s the thought of standing up and speaking in front of my peers , which fills me with immediate panic; there’s the voicing of an idea in a room full of incredibly talented colleagues – these are certain death.
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